Thought of the day...
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Postad:19 september 2009 4:40 am
Senast Uppdaterad:19 september 2009 6:47 pm 1693 besök
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"It is always self-defeating to pretend to the style of a generation younger than your own; it simply erases your own experience in history." - Renata Adler
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You Just Can't Fix Stupid!!
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Postad:17 september 2009 9:23 pm
Senast Uppdaterad:21 september 2009 1:55 pm 1900 besök
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ONE
Recently when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the
counter.' 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,'
was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order
six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the
lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up
one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed
it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code,
she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her, 'I've
changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and
I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just
happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a
credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you
need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced
the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I
asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.
It's a long walk.'
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary
told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of
paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank'
copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair
and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.' I
asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set
the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of
a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of
the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the
back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'
EIGHT
Police in Radnor, PA interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander
on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE
A mother calls 911, very worried, asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room--the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be
fine. The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer..... '
Dispatcher: 'Rush him to the emergency room!'
Life is tough. .. . It's tougher if you're stupid.
And remember -- these people can vote.
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Thought for today...
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Postad:17 september 2009 9:21 pm
Senast Uppdaterad:23 maj 2024 3:39 am 1412 besök
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"During the first period of a man's life the greatest danger is not to take the risk." - Soren Kierkegaard
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U.S. Sex Laws, Amusing to Just Plain Silly...
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Postad:17 september 2009 9:19 pm
Senast Uppdaterad:23 maj 2024 3:39 am 1610 besök
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But rather than go into a diatribe on the need for the government to stay out of our private sexual affairs, I think a good laugh is in order. Who knew that you could land yourself in jail for any of the following? ....
Don’t Get Caught Kissing
When it comes to puckering up, you may need to keep a time check.
– If you’re in Idaho, you’re not allowed to engage in any type of public display of affection for more than 18 minutes.
– In Iowa, you've got a five-minute time limit to make out. But that’s an eternity when you consider that it’s illegal to smooch for more than one second if you’re in Halethorpe, Md.
Talk About a Challenge!
Many laws simply invite the question of "how are they going to pull that one off?" Seems that H.L. Mencken’s definition of Puritanism as "the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy" was well and alive when these were passed:
– An ancient law in Alabama bans men from attempting to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, arts, deception, flattery or a promise of marriage."
– Connecticut has a law forbidding any "private sexual behavior between consenting adults." We have to give them credit, though, for at least making this law pretty clear. An old Florida statute states that two people cannot commit "unusual acts" together, but there’s no specification as to what that means!
– An old law in California made it illegal for either partner to reach climax before the other during foreplay.
In Case You Were Tempted ...
You know, some things you just never think about doing. But for any of these laws to have been passed, one has to assume that someone somewhere actually tried to do one of the following; otherwise, some politicians had way too much time on their hands:
– Florida once made it illegal to have sexual relations with a porcupine.
– You can’t marry the same man three times in some Kentucky townships.
– It is illegal for men in Minnesota to have intimate sexual relationships with a live fish.
– If you’re a member of the Nevada legislature, you cannot conduct business, while in session, wearing a penis costume.
– In North Carolina, it’s an offense to have sex in a graveyard.
Wooing Made Wrong
As if finding a date weren’t hard enough! Pick-up artists, beware ...
– Women in Dyersburg, Tenn., cannot call a man for a date.
– If their car is in motion, male drivers in Detroit are banned from "ogling" women.
– It is illegal to serenade your girlfriend in Kalamazoo, Mich.
Even Married Couples Can’t Misbehave
One would think that tying the knot is your ticket to paradise. Apparently not ...
– In Oblong, Ill., it’s illegal to have sex on your wedding day if you’re fishing or hunting.
– A man in Ames, Iowa, cannot take more than three swallows of beer while holding his wife in his arms in bed.
– Alexandria, Ariz., once banned husbands from having sex with their wives if their breath smelled of sardines, garlic or onion. (Funny enough, all of those have been considered aphrodisiacs at one time or another!)
– Husbands in Willowdale, Ore., can be fined for talking dirty during intercourse, but their wives can say whatever they please.
– An old statute in Florida banned a man from kissing his wife’s breasts.
Laws Lacking True Logic
These laws simply speak for themselves:
– A man cannot seduce a woman by promising to marry her in Mississippi.
– While up to 120 men can live together in Pennsylvania, it is illegal for more than 16 women to do so, since this could constitute a brothel.
– It is illegal in Utah to marry your first cousin before the age of 65.
– In Nebraska, couples sleeping at a hotel must wear the clean, cotton nightshirt provided by the hotel, even when they have sex.
– Florida has a statute making it an offense to shower in the nude.
Obviously Un-Enforced
As with most of these laws, ignorance is bliss ...
– Women in New York cannot be seen wearing "body hugging clothing."
– An old Mississippi edict holds that men cannot become sexually aroused in public.
Just So You Know
In case you were thinking about it, any of the following can get you into trouble ...
– If you’re unmarried in North Carolina and you and your lover register yourselves as a "Mr. and Mrs." when checking into a motel, then you’re legally considered husband and wife.
– In Oklahoma, if you’re arrested for soliciting a prostitute, your name and picture will be shown on TV.
– Sex with an animal is perfectly legal for men in Washington state, as long as the animal weighs less than 40 pounds.
– It is illegal for a man to fire his gun in Connersville, Wis., when his lover reaches climax.
– Having sex in a walk-in meat freezer is banned in Newcastle, Wyo.
More Liberal Than We Realized
Believe it or not, there are a few laws on the book that actually allow for sexual expression instead of stifling it.
– The Arizona State Supreme Court considered it perfectly all right for women to go topless in public, since breasts weren’t deemed private parts.
– You can streak in Louisiana as long as you can prove to a court beyond a doubt that you had no "lascivious intent."
– Couples in Carlsbad, N.M., can have sex in their parked car during their lunch break, as long as the curtains are drawn.
– Women in New York can go topless in public, unless it is for "business" reasons.
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There are four kinds of sex...
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Postad:16 september 2009 9:26 pm
Senast Uppdaterad:23 maj 2024 3:39 am 1368 besök
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HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
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Thought of the day
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Postad:16 september 2009 9:25 pm
Senast Uppdaterad:16 september 2009 9:52 pm 1326 besök
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"The deepest definition of youth is life as yet untouched by tragedy." - Alfred North Whitehead
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just a little giggle...
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Postad:15 september 2009 9:29 pm
Senast Uppdaterad:16 september 2009 9:24 pm 1506 besök
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
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Thought of the day
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Postad:15 september 2009 9:17 pm
Senast Uppdaterad:23 maj 2024 3:39 am 1344 besök
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"To weep is to make less the depth of grief." - William Shakespeare
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Daily humor
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Postad:14 september 2009 9:39 pm
Senast Uppdaterad:19 september 2009 4:42 am 1739 besök
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Dirty Ernie was sitting in his second grade class when he looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard. He jumped up and hollered, "Hey, everyone! look at that!"
The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.
A little girl in the front row said, "Teacher, what was those two dogs doing?
The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home.
Dirty Ernie then said, "Teacher, ain't that just like life, you try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?"
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Thought of the day...
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Postad:14 september 2009 5:21 am
Senast Uppdaterad:16 september 2009 9:55 pm 1492 besök
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"Power corrupts the few, while weakness corrupts the many.... The resentment of the weak does not spring from any injustice done to them but from the sense of their inadequacy and impotence. They hate not wickedness but weakness. When it is in their power to do so, the weak destroy weakness wherever they see it." - Eric Hoffer
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A little humor...
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Postad:13 september 2009 4:37 am
Senast Uppdaterad:13 september 2009 4:39 am 1317 besök
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Dirty Ernie was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Ernie , that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Ernie thinks for a bit, then says, "Urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
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Thought of the day:
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Postad:13 september 2009 4:35 am
Senast Uppdaterad:23 maj 2024 3:39 am 1340 besök
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"Men are what their mothers made them." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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A bit of humor to start the day...
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Postad:12 september 2009 4:45 am
Senast Uppdaterad:23 maj 2024 3:39 am 1344 besök
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Ernie .
He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Ernie says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"
To which Ernie replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, . . . but I like your thinking."
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