Getting to a better place.
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Posted:Jul 3, 2019 12:42 pm
Last Updated:Jul 13, 2019 9:18 pm
11327 Views
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So far, it has gotten much better. Part of me is still waiting for this to crash again. I guess that would be my negativity part. Part of me is so numb, that it no longer cares, that would be my self preservation part. Most of me is excited, yet still hurting.
Previous, I’ve cut myself, and poured rubbing alcohol upon the wound. The burning pain always reminded me that I was indeed alive, not something else ... some eclectic dream spasm of the brain, or whatever. Yesterday, my finger got a small slice. Blood? Well yes, I guess. I didn’t care about that. I could not remember how I got sliced. I used some alcohol. No burn, no pain, just more blood.
Am I dreaming? Or ... Have I gotten so used to this throbbing pain, that I cannot feel normal pain anymore? The show must go on.
I don’t know. I saw this picture years ago, and it feels true, for me anyway. I just saw it again recently, and saved it. I think one of my issues is that I am polite. Too polite. Too often. I have always cared more for others than myself. Perhaps that is not hot sexy. So I remain cool ... patient, questioning. Does it even matter that I am on this ball of dirt called Earth? Sigh. In the long run. Yes. In the short term, a definite no. I am too good of a follower, a worker, a support system. I do not know if I can be the hot blast of flame. Just the slow, smoldering burn. ... Why do so many women want the aspects that I despise?
I am in a better place. Still emotionally troubled, questioning. I still have holes in my heart, I have just put some wall paper over them. I am still a broken person. I truly hope it improves.
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Life catch up, scars.
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Posted:Jun 25, 2019 7:09 am
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2019 1:05 pm
11059 Views
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Well, where to start. Storms have kept me busy night after night. My heart pains are slowly going away. I do not think that is a good thing. I feel ... DONE ... unlike when I embrace the Void, and feel the comforting nothing. Seems I scratched the hell out of my belly at work the other day. No clue when or how. I do not normally feel physical pain, but I can normally remember taking a shot that leaves a cut at least half as big. But, nothing ... oh well. It will heal and leave another scar. I did the counting, and figured I have at least 7,800 scars from this job. Almost all have healed to thin white lines, hidden by my fur. Hell, I even had seven stitches for a cut across my eye from two years ago. Most will totally miss that scar. I heal extremely well ... physically anyway.
My fears are well founded, and correct. Still time to fix them, but is there even the desire to fix them? I hope so. I do not know. I do know that this sucks major monkey balls.
I do not like sucking major monkey balls ...
Not that I ever actually have, but I cannot imagine that would be enjoyable.
I started talking with this young lovely lady. From a gaming site, go figure. We are hitting it off pretty well, though she is a complete novice to the A F F lifestyle. She actually believes me when I told her I am in an open marriage. That shocked me. Every woman I have ever met from A F F has always wanted some proof from my wife’s end that it was true.
Just another reminder that many guys on here are jerks and liars.
I am enjoying talking with her. Perhaps later, I might take a road trip, rent a room, and blow her mind. Still, it is too early to look into that. Time will tell.
I hate waiting on time, but that is the only thing I can do.
So I shall.
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Seriously, this is emotionally messed up.
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Posted:Jun 18, 2019 8:40 pm
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2019 10:41 am
10844 Views
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I have been dealing with a ton of emotional pain lately. The cruel life joke, of my co-workers is going into a hard divorce. For the past few days, he has been asking me for advice and support. He is a friend, a friend in need. I do not know how I have been able to put my issues, apprehensions, pain, to the side and help him, support him, encourage him. Somehow I have.
I have done as much as I can. Fortunately he took my advice and got some work sponsored professional help.
I know I give too much of myself . Still, no matter, I seem always have more give. I found this description pretty accurate, for me anyway. It continues on with a guilt trip about hurting . I hate guilt trips, so I cut that . I do like the start of it though.
I wish I had of my solid FWB talk . Reassure me or correct me, even just listen. If nothing else, get my mind off my worries.
But I do not. So I will continue trudge through this. Step by step through the morass. All while carrying and supporting other’s burdens. We will get past the morass.
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Doing better
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Posted:Jun 17, 2019 1:22 pm
Last Updated:Jun 18, 2019 8:09 pm
10837 Views
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After a lot of talking, and a lot of emotions. I am in a better place mentally. My heart to a hard lance on Sunday, a new hole to drip pain, still a better place. Not a good place mind you, and I and sitting on shifting sands ... things are out of my hands, and control.
I think that is why I am doing better. I have literally done everything that is within my control. I promised that I would leave myself exposed, keep my breastplate open. That lance Sunday hurt. More lances will come my way. I will take them. New holes will open ... eventually I hope they will heal into nothing more than garish scars.
I got called out to save the city again. Six different emergencies, including one with hundreds of feet of down live power lines. I had to move them out from under the tree that fell, keep them where citizens would not get killed by them. We turned them dead, but never any guarantees.
I am just so tired. Emotional stress, physical exhaustion.
We all went to work out Sunday night. I challenged my big to weight lifting. He has been doing it daily for two years for football linemen strength, I have been doing cardio for the last 5 months. I tied his max squat at 315 pounds. I felt good about that. My wife was very impressed. Nothing like lifting a bar that is already bending from the weight.
I posted a video of a massive load from me, I was shocked when I recorded it. As I almost blasted my camera, there is a loud splat as my second shot nearly hit it. I am sure that I will get many guy’s adoration and messages, like each of my other videos always do. I am always humbled and appreciative of my gay followers. You keep being awesome now! - and no, I still do not swing that way - 
-out-
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Stepping back - needing to get this toxin out.
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Posted:Jun 14, 2019 8:40 am
Last Updated:Jun 15, 2019 9:29 pm
10718 Views
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I don’t know. Seems I have been not knowing for a long time.
Confusion ... doubt ... bad self image ... projections ... hurt ... pain ... elation ... happiness ... job ... apprehension ... dread ... repeat
I am hurting ... having been hurting.
The blood that runs down my hand and arm feels so much better than the imaginary blood pouring from the emotional holes in my chest.
I should not meet at this point, it would not be fair to the lovely lady. As if I even could get another lovely lady interested. My wife would support it, be excited for it, but I am not in a place where I feel I should ... or that I could.
I just don’t know.
Waiting is the hardest part.
I would much rather just rip the bandages off, let the blood flow, heal, recover ... damaged as I might be.
I cannot rip this.
I should go back to the embrace of the void, enjoy the feelings of nothing. I have taken that company.a few times when feeling hurt too much.
I cannot ... to do so will surely destroy me ... so I will not.
I will fight ... fight my losing battle, against an enemy I cannot hurt ... till I yield in shame. The conclusion is inevitable. I see it clearly, in a life I could never imagine.
It feels like my soul itself is ripping.
Friends I counted on and relied upon, were no friends of us. My heart has hardened in that direction. No more pain from that.
I will recover ... maybe ... someday ... soon ... later ... difficult ... no desire to.
Maybe this is all for naught? Maybe this is to extend the torture till I rip myself apart.
I will know, once the waiting is over ... I will accept the conclusion ... I must, so I will.
I just do not know.
It hurts
-out-
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Paladins, who needs them?
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Posted:Jun 7, 2019 1:23 pm
Last Updated:Jul 17, 2019 5:53 am
11148 Views
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I have always enjoyed ... high fantasy ... such as Dungeons and Dragons, Lord of the Rings, etc a world with magic, and a multitude of races, such as elves, dwarves, goblins, etc. I enjoy LARPing in these systems.
One common class of hero is the paladin, a holy warrior of the highest honor, integrity, and ethics. These warriors can wield magical healing powers just as well as their weapons and armor. They tend to be the pinnacle of what many people want to become.
They never interested me. I am a warrior, solid, stoic, solemn. I fight for what I believe in, and I am willing to die for those that I deem worthy of my protection. I hold myself to my own honor, integrity, ethics. I do not have any magical powers, just grit ... determination ... resolve.
Paladins are flawed, no one can be that ... good ... without being truly evil. Fuck them. I have flaws, but I am stronger because of them. Our real world has no magic, why wish for that? Do magic through yourself ... your actions ... your interactions.
I drove by a house of a lovely lady I used to flirt with. She needed a friend, I was a friend. She disliked her husband, called it a loveless marriage. I offered her sex. She needed a friend. I became a friend. We talked for many months, great pictures shared. She asked me to pick her up one night. I quickly took a shower, told my wife that I was going to meet her. She then called and canceled. We talked long that night. She still loved her husband. I encouraged her to stay with him. It never sounded like he ever abused her. I felt it was just a very rough part of life at the moment for them. She liked my friendship. Nothing ever happened, a couple of months later, she stopped talking. I hoped she and her husband made it work. I do not know.
I have my flaws, my inner demons eat me often. Self insecurity, self doubt, bad self image. I have done things I am not proud of.
... too many memories ... pain ...
I don’t like where I went with this post ...
I’m ending it now. Maybe continued later ...
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You may ... touch ... my truck.
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Posted:Jun 6, 2019 9:24 pm
Last Updated:Jun 7, 2019 12:21 pm
10764 Views
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That’s not what I meant! I do not even own a truck.
I was working the city’s Touch A Truck event. Where get to see big trucks up close, it involves a LOT of air horn blowing and sirens being turned on.
Speaking of being turned on, there were MANY mothers that were scorchingly . I managed to keep busy enough to not have to hide any erections, which is fairly hard to hide. So many that I started undressing and piledriving with my eyes. One couple stood . I swear that I recognize them from their profile picture on A F F. Best thing, the wife was extraordinarily as fuck! As they were leaving my truck, she glanced back right into my eyes for about 20 feet worth of slow walking. It was not the of lust or anything; rather, the of recognizing someone, but trying to figure where you recognize them from.
In case I am correct about whom I saw, you two are an extremely attractive couple, and you, lovely lady, are far more of an extremely ass woman than your profile pic shows; which, is saying something, as you are definitely in your profile picture!
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THAX sized emergencies, what I have been up to.
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Posted:May 31, 2019 6:57 am
Last Updated:May 31, 2019 8:40 am
10932 Views
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Dear god, after my last post, life just turned extra crazy! Nearly every night I kept getting called out for emergencies, limbs across roads, trees down, trees on cars, trees on houses. I have been beyond exhausted and sleep deprived.
On top of that, I have been teaching one of my sons how to drive, and he got his first job. In addition, my wife had a horrible experience with another guy, the primary one that I was ranting about a few posts ago. We had to work through his bullshit, that took several days, but not as long as repairing the emotional damages that he caused.
During the talks with my wife, we had a change, one that I am happy about. We were discussing threesomes. From when we started, my wife did not want to join me in either MFM, or FMF. We were afraid that our natural jealousies would show up, when seeing the other actually doing another. During our talks, she remembered it differently, that neither of us would do any threesome without the other participating. We talked, and I believe we are solid enough to add a third, without any of those jealousies coming up.
I am excited, but I know that it will be years beyond a MFM, before I get my FMF 😂😂
Well, work calls again.
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Positive Friday
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Posted:May 24, 2019 10:43 am
Last Updated:May 31, 2019 6:35 am
10945 Views
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I finally got to talking with a potential FWB or one time shot. Unfortunately, IM crashed and we have not been able to reconnect yet, to see where this goes.
Heh, I’m excited about talking with the first interested person that was not a scammer or on my not touching list. Meanwhile, my wife has met up with one nice guy, two complete jackasses, been stood up from another, and went back to talking with one of the jackasses. Heh, go figure.
Meanwhile, my wrist is doing much better, my wife and I started rough housing, and she accidentally grabbed my bad hand and swung up off the bed to give me a big hug. No pain happened, THAT is good progress. I also found that I can drag and throw 200 lb limbs with my other arm. So, aside from feeling weak and half a man on one side, I feel strong, like two men with the other side. Quite the conundrum.
I also have been wanting to give a shoutout to my gay guy followers. Your messages help me feel better about myself. This site is not easy on guys, gay, straight, or bi. Keep your heads up. ... I guess that could be taken two different ways, heh. I just wish that this site would allow me to respond, or even read your mails, and that responding to IMs would not count to my 3 per day.
Finally, try to give one person a compliment. Perhaps a cashier that has done a good job on their eye shadow. A server that is doing an excellent job, etc. Little things can dramatically help out a person’s mood.
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200th post!
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Posted:May 21, 2019 10:14 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2019 12:28 pm
10841 Views
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This is my 200th post ... is actually a milestone worth celebrating? Ah shucks, I’ll celebrate it anyway.
We have been getting pounded by rain and wind. I got another up close and personal reminder about how dangerous my job is. A tree failed out of nowhere and fell on my supervisor while he was standing next to the crew cab truck. Lucky for him the truck was there to take the weight of the tree. He ended up being pinned to the ground instead of being splattered. We got him out with our chainsaws very quickly, much faster than the slow and feeble fireman attempts could possible do. (No shade to firemen, we are just specialized with trees, as they are specialized in buildings). Anyway. He has a concussion and some new ear piercings.
Conversely, I keep getting called out overnight to clear roads of fallen trees. Good overtime , but it is really wrecking my sleep schedule. I got my fun when I got back, and again before getting up to start the new work day. I was fairly dehydrated, so the second time, she only got my thick semen jam. 😂😂 she had never heard term before, but I felt it was very fitting.
On my friend’s CleavageFan4U blog, I wrote about how one partner was expecting me to be a one and done guy. made me think, most of the guys my wife has played with, are one and done.
Is being multi-orgasmic really rare of a thing?
My records with my wife, are 6 days of sex in a row (we tried the 30 day challenge, and kept going), 18 times in a 24 hour period, and 8 times in one night. I usually try for 2-3 a night, depending on my exhaustion, and hydration levels.
Guys, how many times a night is your regular? Any records you want to share?
Ladies, are guys normally one and done? Any crazy nights far exceeded your expectations?
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Catching up on this roller coaster called life.
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Posted:May 20, 2019 9:03 am
Last Updated:May 20, 2019 2:09 pm
10868 Views
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Well, I have tried posting 5 times during last week, every time the site stopped responding, and nothing posted. Rewriting posts glitch out really aggravates me, but was the theme of last week. From two Saturdays ago to last Thursday, life just seemed out to kick me in the nuts as many times as it could. Anyway, I think my thumb tendons are healing nicely, but there is one tendon is still painful when twisting my wrist. I aggravated one pretty bad last week. Since last Friday, life has gotten good. Still had bad news, but it was needed to get out ... exposed. was good, help the emotions heal.
I do have a rant, something I see with guys ALL the time. I have to believe women are capable of doing it also, but I have not ever seen it. I understand the excitement of the bad boys, treat women like objects to satisfy their desires. It is exciting to have things done to you, to surrender to another’s whims. I get , but what I don’t get, is these guys want to cause heartache and hurt feelings, especially those want the woman to destroy what they have.
I do not care you get off seeing a woman destroy something like a tv. If you want , then you need to provide the items you want her to destroy. It is horrible to demand she provides and destroys her own items solely for your enjoyment. Destruction is much easier than construction. ESPECIALLY with emotions.
The worst part of these pieces of shit, are when their enjoyment is done, they throw away the woman and move on to the next one to destroy.
I just cannot fathom why so many guys get off on being jackasses like this.
-Be the best guy you can be.
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Happy Mother’s day!
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Posted:May 12, 2019 2:52 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2019 6:53 am
9316 Views
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I hope you enjoy a wonderful day for all the lovely mothers.
And for all those wanting to be mothers, up. 😉
(Just kidding, somewhat 😂😂 )
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Positive Friday, delayed to the next Thursday
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Posted:May 9, 2019 12:46 pm
Last Updated:May 12, 2019 2:49 pm
10714 Views
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I remember trying to do a positive friday post every week in an attempt to improve people’s moods. Well, I have not been too good at that lately. Oh well, better late than never I guess.
Last night, I got called at out midnight to clear up a street that was blocked by a large fallen tree. When I left, my wife came over to enjoy my warm spot on the bed, and to keep it warm till my return. It truly reminded me how much she cares for me and our relationship. Sure enough, when I returned, she was still there. It truly touched my heart. Cuddling led to some phenomenal sex, even with my dehydrated and broken body.
I had been feeling so down about everything, sometimes the small stuff means so much.
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To link to this blog (thax013) use [blog thax013] in your messages.
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