late for work
|
張貼於:2010年 5月 7日 8:39 am
最近編輯過:2010年 6月 4日 5:18 am 3410 瀏覽
|
RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammerred, 'A what?............
'A rectum stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, Then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked
' You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard
|
|
|
1
留言
|
|
not too far to go -- sex at 82
|
張貼於:2010年 5月 7日 8:37 am
最近編輯過:2024年 5月 30日 10:36 am 3047 瀏覽
|
SEX AT 82!
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 82!
I'm sooooo happy, because I live at #73 ... So it's not too far to walk home afterwards!
|
|
|
0
留言
|
|
timing is great
|
張貼於:2010年 1月 11日 8:06 am
最近編輯過:2024年 5月 30日 10:36 am 3062 瀏覽
|
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well known lovers'-lane area.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?' The cop says: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane ... and nothing loverly is happening!
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.' The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'
|
|
|
0
留言
|
|
Halloween outfit
|
張貼於:2009年 10月 19日 7:54 am
最近編輯過:2024年 5月 30日 10:36 am 3089 瀏覽
|
A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't
know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a
costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just
right as a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden
leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes
by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover
your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company
another nasty letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a small
parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed
nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick
your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co
|
|
|
0
留言
|
|
Nudist
|
張貼於:2009年 10月 19日 7:53 am
最近編輯過:2024年 5月 30日 10:36 am 3034 瀏覽
|
Nudist
--A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle.... it makes your nose look too short."
Love, Grandma
|
|
|
0
留言
|
|
BUTTERCUPS & GOLF BALLS
|
張貼於:2009年 10月 18日 9:22 am
最近編輯過:2024年 5月 30日 10:36 am 2993 瀏覽
|
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,
'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life:
better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'
Then POOF! She was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'
|
|
|
0
留言
|
|
police report
|
張貼於:2009年 10月 18日 9:22 am
最近編輯過:2024年 5月 30日 10:36 am 2994 瀏覽
|
Police Report
You gotta love this police report. A True Story from the Jacksonville , Fl., Police Dept.
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His
friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for
weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a
robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The
police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and
they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed,
and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he
has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if
Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him
and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been
so all day.
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his
car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she
takes them to the garage. She opens the door.
There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.
True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting.
|
|
|
0
留言
|
|
WAL MART INTERVIEW...
|
張貼於:2009年 10月 17日 8:57 am
最近編輯過:2024年 5月 30日 10:36 am 3011 瀏覽
|
WAL MART INTERVIEW...
Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm... let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed. ‘She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of' ..
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man... 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants...'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
|
|
|
0
留言
|
|
Harley rider in DC
|
張貼於:2009年 10月 17日 8:40 am
最近編輯過:2024年 5月 30日 10:36 am 3079 瀏覽
|
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch..
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
what do you think?
|
|
|
0
留言
|
|
short ones
|
張貼於:2009年 10月 14日 8:57 am
最近編輯過:2024年 5月 30日 10:36 am 2936 瀏覽
|
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
“This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?” “No, madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I got this new deodorant today.
The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.
|
|
|
0
留言
|
|
cleveland browns
|
張貼於:2009年 10月 14日 8:55 am
最近編輯過:2024年 5月 30日 10:36 am 2950 瀏覽
|
Cleveland, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Cuyahoga County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible..
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cleveland Browns, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
|
|
|
0
留言
|
|
married in heaven
|
張貼於:2009年 10月 9日 5:15 am
最近編輯過:2010年 11月 8日 8:51 am 3251 瀏覽
|
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sit and wait and wait. Two months pass and the couple are still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?
|
|
|
1
留言
|
|
looking for a new job
|
張貼於:2009年 10月 1日 7:23 am
最近編輯過:2009年 10月 14日 8:57 am 3496 瀏覽
|
A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."
"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings , MT, that's about 550 miles from here."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now.
|
|
|
1
留言
|
|
|
|
|
| 星期日 |
星期一 |
星期二 |
星期三 |
星期四 |
星期五 |
星期六 |
| |
|
|
|
|
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
52
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
