Advanced Biology Mid-term Exam
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Veröffentlicht:27. Januar 2013, 10:56 Uhr
Zuletzt aktualisiert:13. Februar 2013, 13:58 Uhr 5634 Aufrufe
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Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1)It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then he was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A+.
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Hotel Bill
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Veröffentlicht:18. Januar 2013, 16:36 Uhr
Zuletzt aktualisiert:25. Januar 2013, 15:31 Uhr 6034 Aufrufe
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A married couple are traveling from Victoria to Prince George...being senior citizens and after 11 hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. They only planned to sleep for 4 hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out...4 hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00..
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.'
But we didn't use them," the husband said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is only made out for $50..00."
''That's correct.. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well too bad, I was here and you could have."
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Alzheimer's Test
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Veröffentlicht:18. Januar 2013, 16:17 Uhr
Zuletzt aktualisiert:28. Mai 2024, 16:0 Uhr 5497 Aufrufe
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If you are over 60 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S
Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4.. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer's
You are a Pervert
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car keys
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Veröffentlicht:18. Januar 2013, 16:12 Uhr
Zuletzt aktualisiert:28. Mai 2024, 16:0 Uhr 5660 Aufrufe
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Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.)
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off" !!!!!!!
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."
Yep it's the golden years...............
Roger
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CATCHING PIGS
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Veröffentlicht:13. Januar 2013, 11:14 Uhr
Zuletzt aktualisiert:28. Mai 2024, 16:0 Uhr 5480 Aufrufe
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There was a chemistry professor in a large college that had
some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab,
the professor noticed one young man, an exchange student, who kept
rubbing his back and stretching as if his back hurt. The professor asked
the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet
lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his
native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and
install a new communist regime.
In the midst of his story, he looked at the professor and asked a
strange question. He asked: "Do you know how to catch wild pigs?"
The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line.
The young man said that it was no joke. "You catch wild pigs by finding
a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground.
The pigs find it and begin to come every day to eat the free corn.
"When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side
of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the
fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side ofthe fence.
"They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you
have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side.
"The pigs, which are used to the free corn, start to come through the
gate to eat that free corn again. You then slam the gate on them and
catch the whole herd. Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom.
They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon
they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they
have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves,
so they accept their captivity."
The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees
happening in America .. The government keeps pushing us toward
Communism/Socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of
programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income,
tax exemptions, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to
plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc. while we continually
lose our freedoms, just a little at a time.
One should always remember two truths: There is no such thing as a free
lunch, and you can never hire someone to provide a service for you
cheaper than you can do it yourself.
If you see that all of this wonderful government "help" is a problem
confronting the future of democracy in America , you might want to send
this on to your friends. If you think the free ride is essential to your
way of life, then you will probably delete this email. But, God help us all
when the gate slams shut!
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where is that panther?
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Veröffentlicht:13. Januar 2013, 10:58 Uhr
Zuletzt aktualisiert:28. Mai 2024, 16:0 Uhr 5593 Aufrufe
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An oldDoberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
>
> Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Dobermann exclaims loudly,
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> "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
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> Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
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> "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Dobermann nearly had
me!" >
> Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
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> The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
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> The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
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> Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says....
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him
off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" >
> Moral of this story...
>
> Don't mess with usold dogs... age, experienceand skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
> Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
> If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
>
> Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
>
> But you did notice the size of the print, didn'tyou?
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Finally somebody explained politics
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Veröffentlicht:13. Januar 2013, 10:51 Uhr
Zuletzt aktualisiert:28. Mai 2024, 16:0 Uhr 4524 Aufrufe
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When top level people look down, they see only shit-heads;
When the bottom level people look up, they see only assholes.
You will Never see another Flow Chart that describes politics so clearly.
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FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS
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Veröffentlicht:13. Januar 2013, 10:46 Uhr
Zuletzt aktualisiert:18. Januar 2013, 14:55 Uhr 4832 Aufrufe
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FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS
The U.S. Transportation Safety Adminstration has disclosed these Airport Screening Results --
October 2012 Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
It was also discovered that 535 members of Congress had no balls.
Just thought you'd like to know.
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Parking in the snow
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Veröffentlicht:2. Januar 2013, 12:51 Uhr
Zuletzt aktualisiert:13. Januar 2013, 11:15 Uhr 5787 Aufrufe
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SNOW PROBLEM
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband
and wife in Ontonagon were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going
to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered
side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast
again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow
today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered
side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car
again.
The next week they are again having
breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches
of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a
worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do.. Which side of
the street do I need to park on so the snowplough can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his
voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the damn car in the garage this time?"
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the world is mine
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Veröffentlicht:30. Dezember 2012, 11:31 Uhr
Zuletzt aktualisiert:28. Mai 2024, 16:0 Uhr 4419 Aufrufe
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Today, upon a bus, I saw a very beautiful woman
And wished I were as beautiful.
When suddenly she rose to leave,
I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and wore a crutch.
But as she passed, she passed a smile.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two legs; the world is mine.
I stopped to buy some candy.
The lad who sold it had such charm.
I talked with him, he seemed so glad.
If I were late, it'd do no harm.
And as I left, he said to me,
"I thank you,
you've been so .
It's nice to talk with folks like you.
You see," he said, "I'm blind."
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two eyes; the world is mine.
Later while walking down the street,
I saw a child I knew.
He stood and watched the others play,
but he did not know what to do.
I stopped a moment and then I said,
"Why don't you join them dear?"
He looked ahead without a word.
I forgot, he couldn't hear.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two ears; the world is mine.
With feet to take me where I'd go..
With eyes to see the sunset's glow.
With ears to hear what I'd know.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine
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Christmas at Rock-Away Rest
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Veröffentlicht:30. Dezember 2012, 11:22 Uhr
Zuletzt aktualisiert:28. Mai 2024, 16:0 Uhr 4122 Aufrufe
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Christmas at Rock-Away Rest
Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
and all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social- security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!
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on ice
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Veröffentlicht:30. Dezember 2012, 11:21 Uhr
Zuletzt aktualisiert:28. Mai 2024, 16:0 Uhr 3968 Aufrufe
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It's winter in Wisconsin
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!
Oh, how I love Wisconsin
When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
You may think I'm a fool.
I could never leave Wisconsin,
Cause I'm frozen to the stool.
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Christmas Tree
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Veröffentlicht:26. Dezember 2012, 7:13 Uhr
Zuletzt aktualisiert:28. Dezember 2012, 17:23 Uhr 4029 Aufrufe
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I Finally got the tree up !!!
Whew!
It was a lot of work but we are done...got the tree up.
Nothing like that fresh pine smell during the holidays
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Um diesen Blog zu verknüpfen (rm_daytimmer4u), verwende [blog rm_daytimmer4u] in deinen Nachrichten.
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