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| Blogs > pinkdragonfly21 > I see the secrets u don't show |
Upcoming Birthday
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Upcoming Birthday Can you believe in a month I will be 33? Yep 33!!! I remember as a I thought 30 was ancient, then I hit 20 and thought "god dammit, this is just the beginning" and I was wild and free and loved my life. And I burned through men like they were going out of style. I broke a few hearts after having mine ripped out at 21 when I was still dumb enough to believe the lies told by men. He destroyed my trust. We met when I was 19, he was the third man I'd been with, he promised me forever and we played happy family, setting up house and pretending all was sunshine and roses. In reality, he was an alcoholic, I was an enabler. I was always there to pick up the pieces, feed his when he was too drunk or working weekends. At 22, he left me without warning for a waitress at a truck stop. I didn't know it til later, but I was pregnant. I felt destroyed and I told myself I would never let myself get tied down again. I realised I was pregnant a few weeks after he left, I'd gone away for a break because I couldn't eat or sleep. I knew when it happened what it was and I was relieved. There was no part of me tied to him, no reason to have to talk to him again. And I haven't. So, at 22 I was free. And I was wild. I wanted to be crazy and have fun and not worry about strings or commitment. For me, sex was just fun. I was cruel and heartless and treated nice guys badly. I didn't date, I just used them for sex. I burned through a lot of them, I didn't chase them, I let them chase me and when I was bored, I removed them from my life. When I was 24, I got the news that a friend had contracted HIV. It scared me to death. Here I was, no commitments, living a free life (always safely!!) and this person had made a mistake that could end up taking their life. I felt like they'd received a death sentence. In that moment. Everything changed for me, I woke up and thought "do I want to die at 24?" I didn't, I found a nice guy, boring but stable, had a baby. But I didn't want a relationship, so I broke his heart and took our . Couple of years later, I met a wolf in sheeps clothing who fooled me into thinking I could make it work. He was a bum, a leech with the cutest dimples you've ever seen, and a violent streak like you wouldn't believe. So, last year, I took my babies and I walked out. I've realised that it's not worth it. Forcing yourself to conform to what other people want you to be. I'm 32, I've made so many mistakes, it would fill a book. But right now, I'm happy. I don't feel an emptiness inside me that I'd been trying to fill in all those years. I had felt like if I left before them, I was in control. I wouldn't be hurt if I left first. But that's not true. You don't walk away unscathed when you inflict pain on someone else. It's there, like a tiny shadow. When you own your behaviour, that's when you gain freedom. I can't change how I spent those years, but I can make sure I don't repeat them. So next month, I'll be 33. Single, with two , happy and free for the first time in a decade. It's never too late to be the best you, this is my year. |
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