...and it occurs to me...
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Posted:Jul 28, 2011 9:50 pm
Last Updated:Sep 22, 2013 5:15 pm
10633 Views
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That the fact that I don't mind being in a sexless but affectionate close friendship with an amazingly beautiful woman might just be related to the fact that I don't mind being in a sexless but affectionate marriage. Hm. This might just bear more thought.
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Working the long game
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Posted:Jul 28, 2011 9:23 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 2:2 am
10648 Views
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So there's a rule I've been laboring under for a very very long time: DO NOT dip your pen in company ink. I should emphasise here that I am not Don Draper, I am not interested in an interoffice affair. Also, try as I might, I do not look like Jon Hamm.
This, strangely, is the part that disappoints me the most. Hellooooo, low self-esteem.
Anyway, back on track. This move to San Antonio has been interesting, to say the least. I first got here and was like, new city, new women, new couples, new everything! So much excitement! I got to meet some of the meet and greet crew here in SA (very sweet people, actually), and even, shockingly, had some sex. A few times. There's a couple here who seems to like me, and I've met one woman who I definitely get along with really well. But the one thing that intrigues me most is a woman who breaks every rule I have. Seriously, every single one.
Pen in company ink-- that's the big one. Way out of my league. Desperately in love with someone she can't have.
Um... apparently I don't have a lot of rules.
But-- and here's the thing-- I find myself trying to mix College me with Swinger me, and against all odds, it seems to ACTUALLY BE WORKING. I listen. I work the friend angle. I'm an open ear for her. But at the same time, she's the only "civilian" I've EVER confessed to being in an open marriage with. She knows I have sex outside my marriage, though she doesn't know how much (which is, recently, not all that much). God, I was over at her house the other day, and I was giving her a backrub, and I was very very close to her, and found myself uncomfortably close to doing some neck-nuzzling and ear-nibbling. And it's possible that I'm deluded, but I almost think it would've been ok.
Yeah, I'm probably deluded.
Probably.
But what it brings up for me is the question of what I really want, here. What is my goal? Do I want to sleep with this girl? Oh yes. Yes I very much do. Am I TRYING to sleep with her? Oh no. I like being with her, I enjoy spending time with her. She's a good friend. She smells good, and she is undeniably gorgeous. And she gives great hug. And so this is what I've decided. If something happens, it happens. If it doesn't, well, that's cool, too. It's really where I am right now.
I've always thought to myself that sex is a secondary part of this for me-- I like to meet people and make friends and MAYBE have sex with them. But just to have people who know what I'm about, who I can really really be myself with, that's the key. I can be myself with this person. I get physical affection from her. I mean, it's not even first base, but still. It's nice. I'd love to make out with her. That would be amazing. Sex would be cool too, but really, it's not that big a deal.
Like I said. Deluded.
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525,600
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Posted:Oct 21, 2008 9:52 am
Last Updated:Dec 3, 2010 3:57 pm
10904 Views
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Well... not QUITE that many. But close.
A year, almost.
This isn't an "I'm back" post, because most of the people who read my blog no longer do, and of the people who still do, they remember my "I'm back" posts as the time when I disappeared again. Sooooo... yeah. Gonna try not to jinx it.
To be honest, this is the first time I've logged into this profile in... well, a number of months, actually. I've found a friend to hang out with, and she and I have been having a [blog lygeia] of fun over the last few months. There's been a lot of exploration being done-- mostly in realms that I didn't ever think I'd be interested in, much less really really enjoy.
But it's the point of all this, right? Having fun? I mean, if you're not having fun, why do it?
I'm not going to regale you with tales of our exploits-- I mean, that's what L's blog is for, and she does a much better job than I ever do. But I wanted to pop in here and say that I'm still here, still around, and having fun. Hope y'all are, too. 
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Comfort level
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Posted:Nov 18, 2007 9:29 pm
Last Updated:Feb 20, 2011 9:15 pm
11215 Views
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I've had women look at me and say, "I don't know what it is, but I really feel comfortable with you." I often think about how that would change if they knew I was here.
This kinda stops me in my tracks a little right now. I've spoken before in this blog about how being on this site has made me a lot more comfortable with myself-- more secure (though I have a reader or two who're probably rolling their eyes to that one), more outgoing, more able to talk to people (specifically women, specifically women I find attractive). There was a long time, for a while, when I found myself relatively tongue-tied in the presence of a beautiful woman. Now I don't have that problem. Well, I don't have as MUCH of a problem, anyway.
So it makes me wonder about this site-- this... I don't know, lifestyle? Is that the word I'm looking for? How much does it affect my personality? I find it interesting, though, that the very things that make me so easy to talk to, so easy to get along with and be comfortable with, those things were at least an indirect result of me being involved in a lifestyle that would tend to make most women (present company excluded, I'm sure) pretty uncomfortable indeed.
Hm.
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What we need
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Posted:Nov 13, 2007 10:29 am
Last Updated:Apr 10, 2012 5:01 am
11338 Views
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I'm not too proud to admit it. I, like many men my age (or any age above 18, really), enjoy, from time to time, going to a club to watch young, nubile women dance. In varying states of undress. OK, yeah, I'm talking about a strip club, and yes, maybe I'm a little shy about talking about going there from time to time.
Whatever will they think about me? Yikes! *rolls eyes*
Anyway. When I go there, I like to sit, talk to the young women, relax, and maybe even go into a booth to have them dance for me for a while. Then we go back out on the floor. It's fun, it's clean, it's exciting (for me, anyway), and yeah, I do it.
(as a side note, I seem to be terribly fond of commas today.)
So last weekend I went. I hung out with a young lady I've seen there from time to time. We usually hang out in the back of the club, playing some pool (where she regularly beats the absolute crap out of me) and talking. That night, she was hanging out on the main floor, and as soon as I walked in, I knew something was wrong. She had this look on her face, and every time she smiled at me, that smile that was usually so easy and so genuine looked very tight and tense. Every muscle in her body seemed wound tight. I asked what was wrong, but she kept insisting that everything was fine.
We didn't talk much at all. She stuck really close to me, her arm around me, my arm around her, for a long time. She watched the floor and took care of everyone, the way she always did. She was young, like everyone else dancing that night, but she always looked like she was in charge. That night was no different.
We sat there for a long time, just watching the silly men and their swordfights, watching the women dance, watching the games everyone was playing. Finally, I asked her, "do you want to get off the floor for a little while?" She didn't say anything, just nodded. I gave her some money, and she got the key for a booth.
The song was halfway done when I went in and sat down. She followed me in, and as she was closing the door, I opened my arms to her, as if to say, "come here. You look like you need a hug." She sat down next to me, like she usually does if we're waiting for the previous song to end before we start, but instead of the usual small talk, she leaned in close as I wrapped my arms around her. She buried her face in my chest and sat silently as the song played. After a little bit, I felt her sob. Just once. A small one-- almost enough to make me wonder if that's what it was, or if she just hiccuped. Then it happened again.
The song that was playing when we walked in ended, and she started to get up, as if to start the dance. I gently tightened the hug, to let her know it was OK, that she was fine where she was if she wanted to stay there. So she did. And I sat there, rocking her gently and stroking her hair, as she sobbed.
I don't know what was wrong. I still don't. After that, she got up and wiped her tears. She gave me a huge hug and thanked me. Apologized, even though I assured her that there was nothing to apologize for. She disappeared for a little while after that, and I enjoyed the people watching again. Right before I left, she found me again and gave me another huge hug. "Thank you again," she said. "For earlier."
"It's fine."
"I'm really sorry."
"No, there's nothing for you to be sorry about." We stood there for a sec. Then I smiled at her. "Sometimes I come in, and I need a beautiful woman to pay attention to me. Sometimes you need someone to hold you in their arms while you cry. What's important is that we all get what we need." She smiled and nodded, and went about her business as I left.
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On a break.
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Posted:Nov 6, 2007 11:06 am
Last Updated:Nov 18, 2007 9:30 pm
11259 Views
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Taptaptap...
Is this thing on?
Oooh. Feedback. Hello?
There we go. OK.
So, yeah. Took a little break there. I haven't even been to this page since I wrote my last entry, right before my birthday. I knew I was behind, and then I knew I was REALLY behind... and then I just decided, "Fuck it. I'm on a break."
I haven't read any of your posts. I haven't commented. For that, I am truly sorry. But it's funny-- I went onto my blog page and looked at who's visited me, and it's really nice-- a lot of you have been checking up on me. Recently, even. That... that was really nice to see.
How've I been? OK, for the most part. I'd say busy, but that would sound like an excuse. Not to mention the fact that at this point, "busy" should go without saying.
I'm at an odd place in my life right now. I'm not without friends, certainly, but I am, for the first time in a while, without someone who's close to me in terms of both proximity and emotion. It bugs me, honestly. I like having close friends that I can see. I mean, I have a few close friends who live on the other side of the damn country, but it's different when you can actually see them and hug them and have a drink with them. And the sex thing is another level entirely. So yeah. Missing that.
And I missed all of you. I really really did. But I'm back. I'm not here for anyone else but me and all of you, so check this space... I should be back again soon. Thanks for sticking around.
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On the eve
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Posted:Jul 19, 2007 6:32 pm
Last Updated:Aug 1, 2009 5:39 am
11655 Views
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Tomorrow I turn 34. It's an altogether uneventful year-- no turning over of the odometer, no dreaded 0 at the end of the number. Not even a five to make it seem like it's some sort of round number. Just 34. It's divisible by itself, 2, and 17. That's about it. Completely unremarkable.
And yet, for some reason, I can't get it out of my head this year. I'm thinking a lot about what it means to move forward a year. What things I could change, and what things I should carry forward with me. How I'm different, and how I'm still the same.
I'm lucky. I know that. The last twelve months have added some incredible people to my life. You know who you are. Some of you are reading this. Some of you are reading this and I don't know that you are. (One of you I haven't talked to in a while, and I'm hoping you're reading this, if only so I can say happy birthday to YOU today.) People have left my life. There have been happy times and sad times, there's been elation and some tears, and not a small amount of consternation.
Maybe that's it. Maybe it's because it's been such an emotionally intense year for me. I've run the gamut this year-- job issues, family health issues, friend issues, "friend" issues, financial issues, losing people, gaining people, having sex with people, not having sex with people, DECIDEDLY not having sex with people anymore, almost having to go to sandy places that are very hot, watching dear friends go to said sandy places, having to deal with a DUI in the family...
Big year.
And now I'm starting a new one. An unremarkable one. God willing, a quiet one.
I have you people. I know I don't show you enough love, I know I neglect you and that you think maybe I'm lying in a ditch by the side of the road somewhere, and that's why I haven't posted (What? That's what I think when YOU don't post!). But you all are important to me, and you make up a part of who I am now. Some of you I talk to every day. Some of you I've never talked to in my life-- though I'd love to talk to every one of you sometime.
Yet again, I've lost my way. Seems to be a bit of a theme lately. Really, I'm happier than I seem right now. I have friends, I have my health, I'm not in financial dire straits, I'm not in trouble at work anymore. I just want this to be a quieter year.
There's a saying--I think it's Chinese-- "May you live in interesting times."
Oh, wait. I forgot. It's not a saying, it's a curse.
But-- and I want to make this very clear-- the whole sex thing can stay. I'm liking that part of it. Heh.
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Bull in a china shop
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Posted:Jun 28, 2007 8:06 pm
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2007 4:37 pm
11571 Views
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I've been reading a lot of blogs with song lyrics in them lately (or, in the case of sweetmysterie, poems that I desperately want to put to music, but that aren't nearly long enough), and I thought I'd maybe have to get in on this little trend that's going on. I'm on my way out of town tomorrow (worry not, gentle readers, I'll have my computer with me, so your comments shouldn't go unanswered), so I thought I'd leave you with something to mull over while I'm gone.
You have to understand something about me that you might not've figured out yet, though. While I am a sucker for song lyrics, I generally don't obsess over what the song MEANS... unless, of course, the lyrics are obtuse and ambiguous and lead one to wonder what the hell the lyrics ARE about.
That said, the lyrics bouncing around my head right now aren't significant for their "meaning", but rather for incredibly genius way that they're put together. Please, friends, read and enjoy. Look at the lines and how they relate to each other. See any connections? No?
Then LOOK CLOSER.
Bull in a China Shop
Barenaked Ladies
I'm a in a candy store
I'm a bull in a china shop
I'm a tired old metaphor
For everything you can't afford
And everything you can't afford to be
I'm a public embarrassment
I'm a bottle of diet poison
I'm a walking advertisement
For everything I never meant
And everything I never meant to be
I can't hear a thing
Cause I've stopped listening
I'm the reason I don't go out
I'm afraid I might sell me something
I'm the shadow of every doubt
I'm the product this song's about
I'm the product this song's about to be
I can't hear a thing
Cause I've stopped listening
I can't hear a thing
Cause I've stopped listening
Every morning
Since I was born
It's been hard to look in the mirror
And see my face for the horns
All the fun that the law allows
All the fun but with half the meaning
Come on over, I'll show you how
If you lived here you'd be home by now
If you still lived here you'd be home now with me
I can't hear a thing
Cause I've stopped listening
I can't hear a thing
Cause I've stopped listening
Mull it over. I'll see you in Kansas City tomorrow afternoon.
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Continuing to spread love...
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Posted:Jun 20, 2007 8:47 am
Last Updated:Nov 13, 2007 10:30 am
11589 Views
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And in today's episode of "Manifest Your Own Reality", I walked to my car to go home for lunch, and the sun suddenly peeked out of the clouds, and the birds started singing.
It IS a great day!
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Spread the love, people.
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Posted:Jun 20, 2007 6:20 am
Last Updated:May 21, 2012 11:17 pm
11560 Views
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Just wanted to say that even though the day is cloudy and grey and gross, I'm having one of those mornings where the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and all is right with the world.
Seriously.
Get out there and spread the love.
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Smart is sexy
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Posted:Jun 17, 2007 8:18 am
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2007 4:05 am
11807 Views
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So I've been doing a lot of surfing lately. Looking at profiles, that sort of thing. Sometimes I send an email, sometimes I don't. But sometimes I run into a profile like hellcat30101, and I just can't help myself from sending something.
I know I'm not what she's looking for. That doesn't matter-- it's not why I'm writing to her, anyway. It's just... it's well written. It's funny. It sets down what she's looking for very specifically, and yet it doesn't take itself too seriously.
In short, it's smart. And smart, as they say, is sexy.
This is the kind of profile that draws me in, that makes me want to KNOW a person, rather than just have someone to call when I get horny and need to get off. Those profiles don't do much for me, really. And don't even get me started on the profiles that are like, "Im a hot wet slut for u and i want to fuk all nite and suk hard dik".
Well, I know I'm different. That there are a lot of guys out there that would absolutely jump on that like a cat on a mouse. And nine times out of ten, they'll get an email back that says, "check out my naked pics on...". Hell, I'll admit that when I first came on this site, I fell for the whole "sexy, but tiiiiiny pic of an ungodly hot standard member with no one in her network" scam. But it didn't take me long to figure out how to spot the fakes, and I haven't gotten a porn invite in a long time.
I think a lot of that has to do with my assertion that smart, again, is sexy. I want to meet people I can know, who can hold a conversation with me, and who have something in common with me. I've found quite a few of those people at this point-- some of them have become great, valued friends, some of them I've unfortunately allowed to slip away from me, despite their best efforts, and a few have become lovers. I value them all, and treasure them.
I've gotten off the track, I think. The point I was trying to make is that smart, funny profiles are a turnon. For me, they're almost MORE of a turnon than the pictures themselves. You combine a smart profile with a sexy (provocative, not slutty or gynolicious) picture, and you SERIOUSLY have my attention.
I swear to god, I'm such a girl. [rolls eyes]
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In praise of the sundress
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Posted:Jun 15, 2007 2:25 pm
Last Updated:Dec 3, 2010 4:00 pm
11511 Views
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Went and played for an outdoor ceremony today. It's one of those gigs we do every six weeks or so, and it's always the same-- lots of women who haven't seen their husbands/boyfriends/etc for the last twelve weeks, while they've been in training.
Something I've learned over the last eight years I've been doing this job is that there's only one thing hotter than a woman who hasn't seen her man in twelve weeks...
A woman who hasn't seen her man in twelve weeks... in the SUMMER.
The general choice in June and August (the gig doesn't generally happen in July) is the sundress. This has got to be my absolute favorite garment in the entire female arsenal of seduction. Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.
It really looks like it's made for comfort. It's light, it looks like it breathes really well, and it just... flows, you know? It skims the woman's form lightly, hugging her curves in JUST the right places, and yet leaving just enough room to see just a little leg here, a little cleavage there. OK, so sometimes a LOT of leg and a LOT of cleavage. Again, I have NO problem with that.
I love the summer. Siiiiiiiiiiigh...
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To link to this blog (hereforyou6217) use [blog hereforyou6217] in your messages.
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