I haven't updated in a while. Been busy, I suppose. Working split shifts in my job. Not easy. Also, I hope to go to China and I am applying for a visa. I dunno if I will be getting a one month or three month one (or any at all! - I always prepare for the worst), so this is a source of stress and uncertainty.)
Lots to talk about though with regard to my sex life.
Hmm, I have a few Chinese friends on my msn messenger contact list. Some gorgeous women. One such woman (I have to be careful not to identify any of them - but I will say she's from Beijing). Wow, she's great!! I mean her body. She has her own msn space. Wow!! Long long legs. Pear shaped body. Wide hips. And gorgeous face. Very, very beautiful!!.
Anyway, I first wrote to a message board on a Beijing based China daily website last year and I occasionally post there again and again. I presented myself as a TEFL teacher (I am a TEFL teacher) and I wrote I was looking for friends in China. Anyway, I got lots of Chinese people wanting to be my friend or should I say "friend" given that, perhaps, from their point of view, what they really wanted was for me to correct their English.
LOL
Anyway, this is how I came to "meet" this gorgeous Beijing woman. She joined my msn messenger list (I think), posted to my msn messenger blog. Then, earlier this year, I wrote back to her again, after I had seen her blog and thought to myself, "What a stunner!"....
She got back to me. We chatted. To be honest, I don't think she's really interested in me. That said, she has said that she wants to meet me in Beijing when and if I go over and do a language exchange with me (Chinese-English).
[sighs]
Anyway, she's a very mature young woman. She turned 30 recently. I'm 32. But, in Chinese terms, that makes her 29, because in China, they measure age from conception rather than birth.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I posted to her blog (which was mostly in Chinese) to wish her well. Her blog post was very short. I wasn't quite sure what she was saying but I assumed what she was saying was that she was ill and she needed to rest so I wrote to her blog to say "get well soon" or words to that effect. A few days later, I discovered she deleted the comment. So, anyway, I thought maybe she was angry with me for something (maybe because I hadn't written to her in a few weeks et cetera) and I wrote her an e-mail to ask her if I had done anything wrong or incorrect. No reply.
So, I was thinking to myself. Oh, I'm annoying this woman. She probably already has a boyfriend and therefore writing "darling" in my comment on her blog probably wasn't a good idea.
So, I decided to not only remove her e-mail from my msn messenger list (I had done this a number of times already) but also to bar her too. I had a previous bad experience where I liked another Chinese women, posted to her, she wasn't interested in me, she removed a comment I posted to her blog and, well, to cut a long story short, she got angry with me, when I later refused to help her with her webspace on her terms (I had already helped her with exactly the same website problem a few days previously). I told her that I would only help her if she allowed me to use her password and username so that I could do the changes she wanted myself (some of her photos were not displaying). I reassured her that she could change the username and password herself later so that wasn't a problem. But, alas, she wasn't able or was unwilling to give that level of trust. So, after I told her that I wasn't going to give her instructions over msn messenger (which could have taken me hours since her knowledge of English (I understand no Chinese) and her knowledge of blogging, website design and so on was limited at the time, she told me that she had another friend who would help her and then, later, about an hour later, she msn messengered me again (I was in bed in near tears, nah, I was in tears!) to write "You know why you have no girlfriend? Because you are a fucker!" or words to that effect.
So, anyway, I digress.
Anyway, I was walking to town today. I live in Dublin city centre. And, I saw this gorgeous woman ahead (I love this word "gorgeous" ). She was wearing tight jeans and feminine blouse. She had long legs and nice thin waste. I was walking behind her. Anyway, she reminded me of the Beijing Chinese woman. And I thought to myself, I can't possibly bar this Beijing Chinese woman. I can't possibly be that cruel!! Maybe, there's a chance she was msn messenger me in the future. Yeah, Yeah. But, I gave this Shenzhen Gorgeous Chinese babe a chance too after she had deleted my comments from her blog and, well, she was pretty cruel to me). I should have taken that as a signal to bar her.
I guess I have a weakness for gorgeous woman. I have been hugging pillows since I was 18 years old. This has been my substitute for sexual relief. Maybe, I have been viewing a surfeit of porn?.
Anyway, I figure I need to learn to let go but, at the same time, not recoiling completely. I'll leave a channel of communication open to the Beijing woman (even to the Shenzhen woman) but I doubt she'll be writing back to me. But, I won't be hassling them with further e-mails/communications et cetera.
Anyway, this post is very boring. Sorry about that. I'll talk more about hugging pillows and my sexual fantasies in a later post. If you don't want to read the words, then look at the sexy photos instead.
Okay, one more thing. I haven't been posting for a while. There's another thing I want to revisit. That is liking younger woman. I could legitimise it and say, well, my dad married a woman 8 years younger than him. Some of my uncles married women younger by more than that (one of them, I think, was 15 years the junior of the other!)
But, in my mind, there is something dishonest in it. Okay, here's an example. I have another msn messenger friend. A "gorgeous" (my favourite word) young woman from Tianjin). A gorgeous young thing. About 22. She sent me some photos. Actually, a series of photos, removing her leather jacket to reveal her top below and her succlent breasts underneath it. They were completely covered of course but I have a crazy imagination sometimes.
Anyway, here were go again with my sugar daddy fixation/temptation. We talk about the most mundane things. But, I can't seem to get around to the subject I most want to talk/write about, sex. So, I feel frustrated. Instead, we/I talk around the outskirts of this subject (like it's taboo or something). And, to a small extent, it is arousing. Like I'm trying to break through a f**king wall or something.
I give her advice et cetera and, well, in my last msn messenger conversation, I told her in my parting words, "See ya later sexy". Yeah, I feel guilty all the way. Sex was a taboo subject when I grew up. At any rate, I was an angry young teenager enough, not to talk about it or try not to think about it.
So, anyway, I give her advice. It's as if I am trying to salve and expiate (not sure what these words mean) my conscience. And, yet, I still feel f**king guilty... And, of course, here's the dishonesty. We're talking about cars, careers, future prospects, travelling, and all that's on my mind is sex, sex, sex. I'm looking for release. I'm complicit in this. I'm the conservative one here.
And, well, in my opinion, I think my liking for younger woman (and make no mistake about it, it's a sexual thing - they're young, slim, ripe (I can think of all manner of arousing adjectives), is a product of my own low self-esteem. What I'm saying is that, hmm, well, younger woman are easier to "control". And how can I be certain that I even like them? [Sighs].
Well, you guessed it. I'm the sort of guy who doesn't get down to action. Who analyses his every thought. Very indecisive. At the end of the day, it's about imagination. If you imagine yourself to be happy, you will be happy. If you imagine yourself to be sad, you will be sad. If you imagine yourself to be sexual frustrated, you will be sexually frustrated. It's my choice. I construct my own prison of fear.
So, anyway, yeah, I think it's low self-esteem because, well, I'm not being honest with myself in my relations with these young women (and there are others too, mostly Chinese, who fall into this category). I pretend to myself I am some sort of "sugar-daddy", teacher, whatever, and they're there to learn from me. God, this is lame!!. And, dishonest. If I was honest with myself, and them, I would just tell them or ask them, "Do you fancy a shag?" or "I fancy you, darling, you're gorgeous [my favourite word again]", "You're sexy" "You turn me on"..et cetera. And, if they return this with hellfire and brimstone then so be it.
That said, yeah, I have sexual fantasies (maybe most of them actually) where there is a situation where I am told to do something which is not overtly sexual but which results in me cumming. I'll give you an example. A sexy woman (clothing is important to me - so let's just say - tight black skirt, she's older, a lot older, with older, mature, large/huge boobs constrained by tight sweater). She's my landlady. She enters my room. Just to look at the sight of her is sexually exciting to me. Yet, well, she could go for a walk outside in these clothes and not be arrested for disturbing the peace. Oh, she has calf-hugging black leather high heel boots on as well. Anyway, she goes over to the window, turns to look outside and tells me to come over to her. She then takes my hands and puts them around her waist. As I say, not obviously sexy but, probably, I'm going to pop, especially, since she told me to do this of her own free will and had obviously placed a degree of trust in me.
[sighs]
Anyway, that's enough for now. I'll now search my special sexy photo section on my computer laptop for some sexy photos to upload to this blog entry. [sighs] because I am so sexually insecure about this, I'll probably delete anything sexual from my computer before my trip to China, since I will be taking this laptop with me (this is my intention).. Best to upload them here then...
[sighs]
Oh, one more thing. I think it is a very very good idea for me to write my sexual thoughts. A very good idea. I write about my desire to be used and abused, to take guilt trips where the woman I place my attention in, is automatically right, no matter how savage she is to me short of actually terrorizing me and threatening my life. I write about my sexual insecurity. I have already written about how I even lost my job earlier this year because my boss found out about my sexual blog and was indignant to find his school (I was a TEFL teacher there at the time) was mentioned by name.. I have monumental insecurity about sex, a great deal of shame, built upon an edifice of prejudice I had built up during my angry teenage years (what a prick I was during my teenage years!).. Given that, it's a great idea to keep a sexual blog. In fact, I copy this post over to 4 other blogging services.
If I got to China soon, chances are, I won't have access to any of them except blogsource, unless I find some special software to get around the "Great Firewall of China".. I think blogsource can still be accessed in mainland China but I'm not sure about that.
One final thing. Any hostile comments will be removed and any such commentors will be placed in my "naughty list" (which is a minuscule section of my brain). There's 3 there already. I'll be happy to increase this list if need be.
I give myself brownie points for not only writing this sex blog but for also allowing people to comment. Now, I'll look for sexy photos.
To my mind, the only reason why I would hang out with ugly people is if I believe that I, myself, am an ugly person. I should think better of myself. I have resolved this June day not to hang out or consort with ugly people anymore.
I keep a number of sexually explicit blogs. One on blogsource, one on blogspot, one on alt.com, one on alt.com,and one on alt.com,. Well, they're all the same posts but I like to have maximum exposure. . Anyway, from time to time, I receive some very nasty comments from intolerant bigots.
I have a number of points to make here.
1) I reserve the right to remove such comments. I also reserve the right to reply to the comments even after removing the original comment. On the other hand, I reserve the right not to reply to the nasty comments either.
2) My blogs are essentially an online diary. It is an introspective work, just like diaries, before the dawn of the internet, always were. However, I do allow posters to comment on my posts if they so wish.
3) I take a perverse pleasure, I admit, replying to the bigots and the bigotry. Hell, I'm a combative person sometimes. .
4) I have no intention at this time to disable the comment feature. But, I may do so in the future.
Well, I hope to go to China soon. Beijing to be precise to work as an English language teacher there. So, in recent years, I have been reading Chinese and Beijing based (English language) newspapers online. My favourite at the moment is Chinadaily. I found this article here which got me thinking:
http://Passion.com.com
My initial reaction was one of panic!! I download porn onto my computer on a regular basis. Bugger, just type "sex" into www.google.com and you'll find a plenty or variation on this theme whatever your peccadillo may be, "dominatrix", "domme", "sexy nurse" and so on are my present favourites.
From the article: "The Internet has made sex-lazy men even sex-lazier where they get lost in their own world," he added. "It used to be said that men neglected foreplay, but now they are neglecting sex." Phillip Hodson of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy warned that this new generation of "voyeurs" risk problems in their love lives.
Whoa!!! Philip Hodson of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. So, the fact you're from the "British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy" or have some specialist title means you know what you're talking about and the rest of us mere mortals have to drop and our tools and follow your directions?
Are you saying, Philip Hodson of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, that because I download porn onto my computer, I am becoming "sex lazy" or am "sex lazy" or am, even "sex neutered"?
Nonsense!!
Why, if porn was so pernicious, why don't government ban it then? Why can't they do the same thing they do to cigarettes, have labels put on sex websites saying stuff like "Sex is bad for you" et cetera or "Sex is bad for you and leads to relationship problems in later life".
Philip Hodson of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, you're talking out of your arse. People use porn for a variety of reasons. It is not a question of whether it should be used but how it is used. An intelligent use of porn can enhance a couple's sex life.
The article continues:
"Yesterday, the Internet Watch Foundation, the online child abuse watchdog, warned the popularity of Web porn is leading more people into child pornography. "
Whoa!!. What are you saying here Internet Watch Foundation? Is there a face I can put to your organization? Is there an e-mail address I can address you with. I presume you're a human being. Are you speaking for everybody in your organization?
So what are you saying? Are you saying that my sexy, sexual explicit webblog (certainly some of my photos uploaded here are pornographic) is encouraging child pornography? Oh!! How so? How do you come to that conclusion? So, what's your solution? Ban pornography? Put "Pornography is bad for you" warnings on sexually explicit websites. I thought fascism and censorship were things of the past in free and democratic societies.
If you want to make a connection, "Internet Watch Foundation" between two things like that, then make it and provide the evidence.
The article continues:
"Forty per cent of couples having problems with their relationships say Internet pornography is at least partly to blame, Daily Mail reports. "
Yeah, yeah, the Daily Mail is one of the most reliable sources for news in Britain. It's one of the most right-wing newspapers there. Sweeping statements like that are always misleading.
Well, let me make a response to this article:
First of all, I am entitled to write about my sex life. Why should I keep it secret? Especially, since, at this time, I am not sexually active. Get it out in the open, I say, including warts and all, my prejudices and so on. I can discover things about myself. It's therapeutic. I keep this sexy blog (the same blog is cross-posted to different blog services: blogger, blogsource, www.google.com Passion.com, www.google.com to uncover these feelings, and arousing feelings. I don't accept that I am encouraging child pornography or, by extension, the abuse of children, by doing so. I think I am making it perfectly clear that my blog represents a discussion on sexual activity between consenting adults. Regarding the porn I upload to my posts, my information is,they are quite famous porn stars or the pictures are posted on the net which I access using the google search engine most of the time.
I would never ever knowingly upload child pornography (i.e. children under 18 years old) - children who could then be identified. Neither would I upload screen dumps of women from sex-cams I visit from time to time. That would be, I think, an abuse of their confidentiality. That said, some of them are absolutely hot, hot!!
I guess there is an amorphous line regarding Japanese anime. But, these are not real people. These are cartoon depictions. And, again, it's widely available for free download using google search engine (with adult safe search turned off).
Yes, children should be protected and it is right that the download and (subsequent) upload of child pornography is banned but, not at the expense, of banning all pornography which is totally unrealistic. That would be reminiscent of the unrealistic Prohibition laws in the USA in the 20s and early 30s. People will always need porn and alcohol. Porn should be managed. It can't be banned.
Anyway, I am going to add a new discussion topic into the topic forum, "Is porn good for you?" What's your opinion? Your views are welcome".
I don't accept I am sex lazy. In fact, I give myself brownie point for writing about sex at all. And, incidentally, for any passing (female) viewers, just because you post a comment, doesn't mean I will automatically post a reply. Contrary, to what many female viewers think, men are not gagging for sex all the time. Some, such as myself, just want to discuss the subject in a calm and collected manner.
THIS BLOG IS NOT A MEANS TO FINDING A SEX PARTNER (FOR A ONE-NIGHT STAND OR OTHERWISE)
Far from it. This blog is part of a whole. Certainly, it will make an indirect means towards finding a sex partner in the future.
Anyway, there were a few things I also wanted to talk about:
First of all, I guess I am too hard on myself sometimes. But, I am glad that I am. Because keeping this sex blog, as far as I'm concerned it is a sex blog, has enabled me to uncover certain prejudices and angers I have regarding the topic which had neutered me in the past. And, contrary to what the "Internet Watch Foundation" asserts. Writing about my sex life is an outlet for me which will ensure and does ensure that I don't engage in any inappropriate relationships with underage people, for example. That's what this blog has taught me.
This blog has revealed to me my delight for younger women. It has enabled me to understand the reasons for these desires and to understand that the best sex comes from the mind and that older women (over 30) probably make the best lovers because of this, because their minds are liberated and free of prejudice and anger.
Yes, I guess there's a certain element of risqué in my blog. But, that's in my nature, I'm sorry to say. I challenge anyone to say that my blog is contributing to child pornography or the abuse of children. This is also connected with the argument made about guns. Guns don't kill people. People kill people. I don't abuse children and I unequivocably condemn the abuse of children which is what unconsenting activity is all about.
I'm not trying to trick anyone into reading this sex blog. You read it of your own free volition. I have attempted to have it listed on certain blog directories. On those directories, I make it clear it is a sex blog with sexual explicit content and photos et cetera. Similarly with the links from my main msn spaces blog. The links provide warnings.
Like it or not, many artists or people with an artistic bent, do like to live on the edge. That does not mean that we abuse children or other vulnerable people or engage in non-consenting activity, rape or violence.
I thoroughly enjoy keeping this blog. It's called freedom of speech and expression. I have a constitutional right to exercise it. And, I exercise it responsibly without identifying anyone, other than myself. I'm entitled to identify myself if I so choose. Why should I keep a nom-de-plume. I don't like hiding things about myself, including my name.
I took out one month's gold membership of Passion.com about 10 days ago. I guess I was following my dick. I won't give away any names. But, I saw this picture of this Heidi lookalike with nice ripe, erect, pert breasts, her chest stuck out, pig-tails (as I recall), thin and so on. Sweet face. Maybe late twenties. And, I thought to myself. Hmm, nice. With gold membership, I can get in touch with her. With standard membership, I could only see a few lines of her introduction. I could see the rest with gold membership. There was something about a bitch who was hard to please. Little more.
Anyway, I took out gold membership. Following my dick, I sent her an join-my-list-of-friends invitation. Straight away. Then, I read the rest of her profile with my full membership. I didn't like what I read.
First she said that she wasn't looking for "losers". That put me in an exposed position. She wrote (rather excitingly in my view) that she could fu8k for hours and hours... And, in her friends list, there were pictures of all these guys, nice hair cuts, yuppie types, nothing indecent at all, in Ireland, they would be called young Fianna Fail types, typical GAA playing young jocks, presumably looking for a good time. I suppose handsome, with chiselled bodies, unlike myself. I always fear the worst. . She went on to write that she expected "presents" and so on.
After I read this from "Heidi" [not her real name], I almost instantly regreted sending her the invite-to-my-friends-network invitation. She'd probably turn me down in any case. In fact,even, after I had read this profile, I still thought about sending her an e-mail. (following my dick again)... Who did I think I was? Some piece of shit, she can trample on and bring to orgasm?
Here I was, grappling with my conscience for months and months over whether to buy membership of Passion.com or not and this. I was presented with a vision of young Fianna Fail type jocks, who don't have the prickly, exaggerated conscience that I have.
Gawd, I have missed out on so much in life. . But, there's always time to make up, I hope.
Needless, to say "Heidi" [not real name], hasn't accepted my join-my-list-of-friends-network invitation. I guess that makes me a "loser" in her eyes. Perhaps, unlike her, I won't be able to fuck for hours (and hours).
I don't have a grudge against her. Not at all. I don't know her, other than was I read on her profile.
After her, I went to view the profile of this sweet Asian, based in Ireland. Sweet photo. And, in her list of friends, there were guys too but the photos were mainly of penises of various sizes and shapes and so on. She seems to be more honest and straightforward. I sent her an e-mail but no reply. In the e-mail I sent, I was presented with two choices. 1), behave like I always have done, namely, behave like a (stupid) knight in armour, trying to save the damsel in distress with my "glorious company". or 2) Just tell her I wanted to have sex with her. Fortunately, I chose the later course-of-action.
What else to write on sex? Well this is a "sex blog" after all. . Well, I suppose I will have to come to terms with the fact, that in order to have the best sex, I am just going to have to use my hands a lot to bring myself to orgasm, when I am not have direct sexual intercourse with a sex partner. I guess that's common sense.
Hmm, anything else?
Nope, can't think of anything at this time.
I'll sign off for now.
Paul Carr
PostScript: I acknowledge that I am, on occasion, a pretty angry guy. Nobody is entirely free of prejudices. I feel, as a younger man, and as a child, I didn't have the advantages (material ones) which were offered to other people.
Regarding sex, I'm absolutely desperate at this stage to have sex...
It's good to be courageous, but not to the point of stupidity!!.
I've decided that playing up to my "virginity", a phantom concept, is not going to get me laid. So, I will play it down henceforth. That's my plan.
Instead, I will point out to my "female" viewers that I have a vivid imagination and I will ask them if they don't mind if I share it with them and, in a sexual relationship, if they don't mind if they would acquiese in fulfilling them. This would involving wearing outrageous costumes..
I was in the video room area of Passion.com the other day and I marched into this room with this gorgeous petit lady (in her profile, she says she is 4 foot 10 inches). It didn't really matter though. She was wearing this gorgeous tight sweater constraining these massive low-slung breasts. From time to time, she would rear up to reveal a slim waist. It was a treasure to behold.
Unfortunately, she kicked me out of the room (I think) when I asked her to giggle her boobs in her tight sweater. Sorry about that. I guess all boys are naughty sometimes.
So what to write about since I was last writing here?
I don't know. Good question. A little tired tonight but I can't delay updating this blog any longer.
I uploaded more sexy photos to my flickr account tonight. That was enough work in itself.
I guess updating these sexy blogs is tough. There's some work to it. Copying blogs from one blog service to another for example to maximise what little exposure I'm getting from the outside world.. Though, the map of the world thingie is a cool thing to have as that enables me to keep track of where my visitors are coming from. According to the map, I get quite a few visitors from the USA as well as from north western Europe.
I sometimes like to write about sexual fantasies here. But, I don't know if I have the mental or physical energy to do so tonight.
I think, to some extent, I am still ashamed of this blog.
I shouldn't be.
I think it has been about a week since I last updated this blog. Since then, I have, from time to time, did a google search on google images using google keywords such as "boobs", "breasts", "dominatrix", "fantasy" et cetera. I guess I am a regular boobs man, seeking out more wanking material.
Some more gorgeous women, with humongous boobs, such as Polish babe, Flora Lea and a few other famous women have been uploaded to my flickr account.
I guess sexual fantasies are, by their very nature, extreme. There's nothing better to achieve a good wank than an extreme story.
But, all of this, I emphasis (as I have before time and time again) is in the context of consenting sex between adults...
I set up a month long gold membership account in Passion.com but I haven't found anyone yet. And the month will be over before long. But, I'm a busy guy. I have to make a few bob and pay my bills like anyone else. I just can't seem to make the time. I just have to make the time, now, don't I...
Also, took out month long membership of msn friends.. I would like to do so on as well. A gorgeous Chinese woman, wearing gorgeous cheongsam in one photo, sent me a virtual kiss the other day but, because I don't have membership, all I could do was send her a virtual kiss back. Yesterday, I got another virtual kiss, this time on . Again, no membership, so I can't get in touch properly with her.
Well, problems are there to be overcome, I suppose.
I usually like to write about my sexual fantasies. But, what I write, I have already written before. I'm a boobs man. I like to suck on breasts. I like to rest my head against the breasts of a gorgeous woman. I would like to place my hands on her breast(s) and squeeze them and she places her hand over mine to show that she approves and she will give me support. I would like to rest and sleep in her embrace.
From time to time, I see these gorgeous women, some more accessible than others. For example, in my job as a TEFL teacher, I was working yesterday, and, at the front of my class, this gorgeous young Asian woman from China, sits. She's a keen English student. She's very beautiful.. One of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Lovely eyes. But, in my professional capacity, as a teacher (TEFL stands for "Teaching English as a Foreign Language), I can't let my passion get the better of me and flirt overly with her, other than the usual friendliness I want to display to all my students, male or female.
Hmm, I uploaded this Japanese anime drawing to the flickr account. Perhaps, it is controversial. I labelled it "Lolita". A young girl. Perhaps, she is 18!. Ripe, small, breasts. Beautiful blue-purple stockings to match her blue-purple straight hair. A treasure.. I like to sport controversy.
I think I have this tendency to speak of women in terms which make them inaccessible to me. I describe women often as "goddesses", "superheroines" and so on. But, they're only human too with the same sexual desires that men have. I should stop putting them up on a pedestal and like them as human beings. I had a Chinese friend last year, a young woman of 24. Very beautiful. We went to the cinema a few times together. Anyway, I guess, again, I "treasured" rather than treated her like a human being. It didn't help that I didn't speak any Chinese and she hardly spoke English. And, after a while, the "thing" you treasure, you start to fear. It happens every time.
Then, I often pull away. I think it is right to do so. The problem lies in my initial approach, not in the manner of the ending of the friendship..
Of course, another consequence of talking of women in unrealistic terms is that it is a convenient way not to think about the nitty gritty of sex, the mechanics of sex, which, isn't very sexy, at first sight, but absolutely necessary to the end of great sex.
My sexual fantasies revolve around a woman dressing up for me. Sure, I would be happy to dress up for her too - so what's the harm in that? And doing things to each other which are not necessarily, sexy. For example, in my "landlady" fantasy, the older landlady, "orders" me to come to the window and stand behind her whilst she looks out of the window admiring the view. She then places my arms around her torso and pulls me nearer. That would be very arousing to me.
Of the older landlady who sits astride me, in the kitchen, feeding me yoghurt with a spoon.
I guess, great sex is based on mutual understanding. For example, I'd tell her about 10 seconds in advance when I'm going to climax. I reckon men would have a fair few seconds of realization that they are going to climax before they do. That way she will know. And, can, for example, take me (i.e. my penis) inside of her (i.e. her vagina or other orifice)
I guess though, I will have to do a fair bit of wanking during foreplay. Ungraceful, yes, but, probably necessary.
Today, I actually have a good title for my post. . Usually, it's along the lines of "Update" and so on.
After my posts of a few days ago, I realized afterwards there were still some things I would have liked to discuss - namely my sexual hang-ups. I'll talk about them now. My dilemma/hang-up is this.
I intend to sign up for gold membership of Passion.com to see if I can find a sexual partner to sleep with over the next few months or, for that matter, sexual partners. My plan is to go to Beijing in September for year. So, I want to have some sex before I go over. Presumably, Passion.com is banned by the Chinese government when I'm over there so I won't be able to stand any chance of success using that route when I'm there.
Of course, I can't rule out the possibility of going to a prostitute either. But, prostitutes are damn expensive and they are paid by the hour. Time is precious for them and, well, for me, during sex I like to take my time.
So, my immediate plan is to take the Passion.com route with the outside possibility of going to a prostitute - particularly so if I have no success in Passion.com. Gorgeous Jin QiaoQiao Speaking of Passion.com, about 2 months ago, I got this cupid e-mail (I get it once a week with my free Passion.com account) which included this photo (small) and brief discription of a woman. In the photo, there were a number of shapely women (goddesses in my language) in very erotic pose, chests out and that sort of thing. And in the description, it read something like "I'm looking for a guy to look after, to take care of" "I'm looking for someone to take me out for a f....".... Tantalizing, eh. I suppose I do give a one sided report of what she actually wrote but no matter. I was intrigued. But, I had no money in my credit card to buy any credit at that time to reply to her. That's my excuse anyway.
Anyway, after seeing that pic of that gorgeous woman and the erotic description of her intentions, I intended to sign up for gold or silver membership of Passion.com.
Anyway, I have still no written about my dilemma. I'm coming to that.
My hang-up is this. I know that I tend to write a lot of self-critical stuff in these sexually explicit and otherwise blogs. Sometimes, to be self-critical is like wading through the mud. I tcan be hard going.
Anyway, let's get a move on.
If I get a woman/girl on Passion.com, I go to her house, or my flat, or someplace for a fuck, or, indeed, if it were a prostitute, in her place or mine (presumably a call-out to my place would be infinitely more expensive), and, anyway, we have sex. I'm rightly royally fucked. And, afterwards, during the post-coital chill and relaxation and happy hormone-racing time, well, I can imagine myself being quite pathetic, really. Especially, if it were a prostitute.
Let me explain. I did some research on wikipedia on prostitute. According to wikipedia, taking together two independent pieces of research on the matter, the average prostitute sees about 600 to 700 men during her career as a prostitute, and I say career without inverted commas here because, really, it is a career for them because they can self-support on the income from prostitute which is the basic premise of a career.
That's 600 to 700 men. That's a lot. So, anyway, the prostitute is fucking me. I'm fucked. She may or may not be too. And, I'm lying in bed afterwards and the prostitute, I bet, she's getting dressed and ready to move on to her next client. It's strictly business after all. And, there I am [putting on my self-contempt hat again], lying there in bed, and I'm saying to her, "Stay, darling" as if I were her saviour of something. She's reply with, perhaps, some compliments, and perhaps not. One way or another, she wants to get rid of me and get out the door as quickly as possible to visit her next client. I just want her to stay so that we can cuddle each other.
Gorgeous Jin QiaoQiaoPerhaps, this holds less through for a sexy encounter with someone I find on Passion.com (I'll have to find out this one for myself). Chances are, she'll probably stay 'till morning, so I'll get to hug and hold her in my arms and vice versa and perhaps, have a sexy shower in the morning, where I get permission to scrub her down.
But, still, I WILL be pathetic in that situation too. The next morning (presuming it is my place) I will say things like "Don't go, darling. Please stay. I like you" et cetera et cetera. And, what I will be implying with this (but won't say out loud) is "I'm God's gift to women, darling. You've hit the jackpot!" My mum used to take me to task for thinking I was God's gift to women do I suppose this is a line that all mums pull on all sons.
It's irritating. But, I have been told by someone who I have regarded as a role-model for many years, that I was awkward and I have been coming to terms with the label ever since, to the point, of actively acting it out and all.
I guess what I'm saying in this post is: I'm just got to come to terms with the fact that I will have to do a lot of "fucking around" Hopefully, at minimal cost to myself.
LOL
You know what, I have been writing a lot of rubbish in this blog for the past 4 to 5 months and, still, I haven't got around to losing my virginity. I could lose it tomorrow (or even tonight) if I were so inclined. Instead, in this blog, I have explored the reasons why I have not. I'm now 32 years old. Which, of course, is an interesting thing to do and even liberating. It is liberating and absolutely healthy. It's healthy to know thyself.
I think a big ego is also a reason why I haven't lost it. After all, my mum said *I thought* I was God's gift to women.
What is fascinating (for me) about this blog (with sexual content) is that I am uncovering all these prejudices and hang-ups I have about sex which is good to get out in the open.
Anyway, I think I have written enough for today. In my next post, I will write about my grandmother being a member of Opus Dei. There's a new film out in the next few weeks called "The DaVinci Code" and it raises a discussion on the organisation called Opus Dei. I read an article on them yesterday. Some points of view hold that there are quite a frightening organization. And they are!!. Some members wear chilices with a view of causing themselves (mild) bodily pain. Members confirm that they do this. Truely frightening. Pope John Paul, in 1982, fasttracked the founder of Opus Dei to Sainthood, putting him ahead in the priority list to the Liberal Pope, John XXIII. Talk about official sanction from the top. To make matters worse, we now have the rottweiler Pope, Pope Benedict XVI (yet another European Pope) with the same or even worse socially conservative views to the previous Pope. Why wasn't a Latin American Pope chosen? Most of the world's Catholics are in South America.. The Catholic church has its head stuck in the sand. They offer no sound and practical advice, for example, to stop the spread of AIDS in Southern Africa (i.e. by using condoms). Instead,they preach the unrealistic, unpragmatic policy of abstenance.
I would be lying if I told you I didn't like younger women and even a lot younger women. I do. Of course, I want to stress here I am talking about over-18 adult women. I like them. I like their supple bodies. Their pert breasts. Their pristine vaginas. As a virgin, I have never had sex and I have never had sex with anyone. I would like to have sex with such a young gorgeous woman, such a miracle of nature... Who wouldn't? (*)
I guess the idea of being a "sugar daddy" appeals to me. As a younger man, I was a lot more immature. Now, I'm more mature.. I can convey my feelings a lot better, including negative feelings, most of the time... And well, conveying my feelings and thoughts and fantasies to a younger woman, well, it has its appeal to me and is tempting and arousing..
Perhaps, I like the idea of teaching her something too, of sharing our feelings...
(*). Younger woman are more active. Very fit. Very supple bodies.(**) Usually, highly sexed. High sex drives. And, are keen to take an older, less-fit, less perfect man along for a ride. They're visionaries. I would like to taste such happiness.
[my prick is a little erect and aroused now]
(**). They're like duracell batteries. They go on and on. They don't collapse from exhaustion.. The poor guy will collapse from exhaustion first!!. But, this beautiful, pristine woman, such a selfless being, who thinks only of helping and pleasing others, wants to bring her man along for a ride. She grabs her man by the buttocks and, from behind, she pulls him into her, one hand on the door frame, the other guiding his buttock!!. She pulls him in, forcefully, energetically, so quickly, like only a young person can feel...He's helpless and like liquid in her arms. She's in control...
First of all, l want to say that I am sorry I have delayed in updating in my blog. I can think of 2 reasons for this. 1). I'm lazy. 2). Everything I write about sex, I seem to always infuse what I write with self-contempt and self-loathing. Okay, not a great start but there you are.
What do I mean by self-contempt and self-loathing? Well, for example, I was at the cinema a few days ago, watching a movie (by myself) and, well, I suddenly I didn't have my beloved mobile phone with me. Anyway, it was praying on my mind. I was at the cinema earlier that same day and I was wondering if the mobile phone fell out of my pocket earlier in the day. It actually happened to me earlier this year and I had to get a new mobile phone as a result. Luckily, I did have insurance. Of course, I am digressing. So, let's get back on topic.
Yes, self-loathing and self-contempt. Anyway, after 10 minutes of realizing my mobile phone was absent, I decided to walk back to my flat (about 10 minutes walk) and, by God, I was swearing and cussing all the way back. Saying the same thing, over and over again. "You fuckin' idiot!" with plenty of stress on the "fuckin'" part. Sometimes, it changed to "You fucking prick!" and so on. And, occasionally, I would shake my head in resignation. Anyways, that is what I mean by self-contempt..
And why did I delay in writing to my blog. I delayed because I knew, once again, I would have to write self-criticism and writing self-criticism isn't easy. It never is, I suppose. But, I've got to do it. And, guess what, I haven't even started yet in this post.
So, let's get on with it. Hmm. I have to practice a degree of self-censorship on this blog because I know that a number of undesirables will be reading my posts... I will say though, that it is my intention to have plenty of consenting sexual activity over the next few months and years.
I can't rule out seeing a prostitute either. And, when I was thinking about that, I was thinking about how that would go... Actually, I already sent an e-mail to an Asian prostitute in Dublin, saying I wanted to have sex with her but I didn't have the money. Well, aren't there any brownie points for being honest? No reply from her. Oh well, I read in wikipedia, that that average prostitute has slept with over 600 men. Plenty of men, plenty of experience.
But, regarding a prostitute, I can imagine just how pathetic I will be. Though, of course, it would be even more pathetic not to have sex. I imagined that after we had done the act, I would be lying beside her and, well, she's getting ready to go... And, me, what do I say? oh, something like, "Please stay". And, I know what her answer will be. "No". She'll probably be polite about it and even apologetic but if the average prostitute is sleeping with 600 + men then I doubt fierce silken bootsif she is going to give me the time of day. Sexual chivalry is an outmoded concept. A thing of the past. What did I think I was going to do; posture like John Wayne and think that a woman will fall head over heels in love with me?
Anyway. That reminds me of another thing I want to write about. Something I have only thought up today. Yeah, the AIDS scare. In the 1980s, there was a hugh AIDS scare in the Western World. The religious fundamentalists, a scary bunch (and we have MORE than our fair share of them in the Republic of Ireland), viewed is a righteous revenge and punishment against sinners such as homosexuals and sexual goats and fornicators and anyone else who enjoyed the act of sex. You have no idea just how scared I am of these guys. I'm very scared!! And, this is one of the reasons, i am getting out of Ireland as soon as possible to the promising pastures of Beijing.
And, of course, I think, with the wisdom of hindsight, I bought these scare tactics. The right-wing fundamentalists are still using scare tactics to great success even today. Take for example, Mahmoud Admadinejad. Recently, he made a speech in Tehran in which he quoted his spiritual leader, the Ayatollah Khamenei, as saying that he wanted the present Israeli regime wiped off the map and that he agreed with this. In his speech, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made it clear he was talking about regime change, referring to regime changes in Russia and Iraq. But, it was misrepresented in the western media. It was reported he said that he wanted Israeli wiped off the map.. That was not what he said. He spoke in Iranian and I must presume there is a dearth of competent Iranian-English interpreters and translators. But, the righteous, Christian right, in the United States, have considerable power and clout in the media, it seems. They caused a rumpus. In my opinion, the far-right of the USA want Armageddon. I hope that the politicians of the centre ground in the United States and elsewhere will stop them. They are some of the most ugly people I have ever met.
Anyway, back to sex. Of course, blogging is a great thing to bring the deepest and most precious thoughts of someone out. I don't blame myself for being honest with you all. I blame blogging.
So far, in this post, I have dragged my feet but I have a precious sexual and arousing fantasy to share with you all. It is my intention to use a serious such as Passion.com to find a sexual partner or partners. It will be valuable experience for me. We learn by making mistakes. I've made my share of mistakes.
[sighs] Sex is great fun. Why not enjoy it?
Right, my sexual fantasy. Where was I?
I love these two pics below:
These are two hot women. I usually prefer Asian women but I like this Caucasian woman in the tight blue spandex swimsuit. Nice. Yummy..
Oh, anyway, I want to say thatdelicious temptress one thing I have found out since I started keeping blogs and, especially, my sexually explicit blogs, since the beginning of January, is that there have showed me one thing about myself. I am a nervous wreck!! I need to relax. Like a right-wing fundamentalist, I appear to be quaking from the prospect of Armageddon and righteous condemnation. I need to relax.
Okay, sexual fantasy. I've played this one over in my head a few times. This sexual fantasy has made me delirious with excitement and given me a hard-one quite a few times during the day when my mind was idle and needed some means of escape from the daily drudgery.
See the women above with the blue bikini. Well, my woman in this day-dream is like her. Dressed like her. But, well, she has taken off the bottom part so I can see her magnificent crotchal area. [my prick is getting hard]
What a sight. I'm sitting on a char admiring the view. She then crouches (like in the pic) and moves up and down. She's looking at me, not breaking her gaze from me.
She speaks. I like dialogue in my sexual fantasies (see January posts. ). "Aren't I beautiful, Paul". Yes, I reply. My prick getting hard in my pants. Standing to attention... My heart beating fast, a-quiver, a-flutter, a-motoring. "Women are the superior sex" she says.. We are smooth down here", indicating her crotchal area. "Men are ugly down here". "They are imperfect". "Women are more evolved, more advanced". I wasn't about to argue with her. I was aroused and breathing heavily, focused on the magnificent sight before me. "Yes, madam" I replied.
She continues to crouch up and down. I'm not wearing any underpants so my penis has free airway in my pants, tucked away there. She probably can't see for herself that I am aroused but my facial features and expressions are probably giving that fact away.
"You are lonely" she continues. "Oh, you poor thing!".. Her hands are on her hips in an authoritative pose and she continues to crouch up and down, her legs spread apart, in a power-babe post. "I can read your mind" "All women can read minds". "Men can't". "I can read your brain-waves". Well, I'm moaning and groaning a little at this stage. She's looking at me intensively and seriously. She's concerned about me. My prick is completely hard now. She momentarily placed the palm of her hand on my cheek and strokes me, continuing her up and down crouching movements. I'm panting now. Aroused. Helpless. flexible and supple body
"yes, I'm lonely" I reply.
She continues, "I don't want you to cum in your pants". "I want you to tell me about 10 seconds before you cum, okay". I nod in consent. "Then, I will take you inside of me, where it's warm and where you can play, okay". I nod. "Thank you", I say. "There is plenty of room there" she says. "Oh, so much room!". "I don't want you making a mess of your trousers or of my room!" "Okay", I pant.
"I'm ready" I indicate... I zip down my pants. My thing pops out. She walks over calmly, holds me from behind, placing her hands on my buttocks and she inserts me inside her pushed me from behind into her with her strong arms on my buttocks. We are cheek-to-cheek. She hushes to me, "It's okay. I have you now!". I explode. 8 spunks of jis is released.
She wraps her legs around me and I carry her over to the bed. We lie down, still joined. She on top of me. She looks at me, asking me questions, in her hushed soothing voice. "Are you warm?", "Are you okay?". I reply in the affirmative. "I'm here to look after you now"... Well, I guess I like to be treated like an infant.
We remain joined. She notices that I feast my eyes on her amble breasts from time to time. She says to me, "If you feeling tense, or lonely, grab my breasts and give them a good squeeze, okay". I say "okay". "Thank you". My penis goes flaccid in her vagina now but we remain joined. I'm in post-coital bliss.
After about an hour or two, I feel this urge to fondle and squeeze her breast(s). She's still on top so I turn her on the side, saying joined to one another and I take hold of one of her breasts, giving it a good squeeze. I let out a moan of pleasure. I want her to know how much I appreciate it. My penis once again rears up inside of her. My rest my head against and inside her neck. She is dominant. She holds me. I breath beside her ear. I cum again hard, letting out a strong gasp of contentment. "Oh thank you!, thank you." I sigh. "Everything is going to be alright" she replies. We remain joined for another 5 minutes and then we part and we are in our arms for the rest of the night. Oh bliss! I'm in her arms and she stroking me. She accepts me. I want to be accepted so much. With her, I feel I belong. I'm so happy. I can never be happier than at this moment.
Well, I think that's most of my post for today. Just to remind you though, I reserve the right to remove any comments I don't like.
Well, I guess, in summary, I like to be mama-ed sometimes. I reckon this is quite a common fantasy for many many guys. Pay attention girls. I like this gorgeous young woman, dressed as Lara Croft, with those fierce weapons holders to her hips and two more weapons pointing out from her chest. I worship thee.
One more thing. I'm 32 now [sighs]. Times marching on. I need to get down to business before I'm too old to do it!!. I need to get some practice in sex. This morning, I was thinking to myself. I've been waiting all my life. No more waiting. Do it!! Get it done!! Work, work, work!! Go, go, go!!. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!!. I'm tired of playing the waiting game, an extraordinarily boring game that it was.
[sighs]. I'm chatting with my skype friend from Paris. Which has motivated me to update this blog.
I've been thinking about the reasons why I haven't had sex and why I remain a virgin at age 32. My friend in Paris says I am a cute guy and that it is, therefore, a paradox that I am still a virgin. This (sex) blog has been set up to explore that paradox.
I think it is fair to say that I have suppressed my sex drive, even to the point, of regarding it as an aberration of nature. I had developed this false conception of duty. Probably, it will also a result of not having any real friends of my own age of either gender when I was a teenager.
My conception of duty, developed in my teens, developed to the point, where I made a conscious decision, not to engage in any sexual activity. As if I didn't deserve to enjoy sex. As if it were wrong to do so. As if my virginity was something to be treasured. That saving myself, would be worthwhile in the end and, finally, I would marry a dutiful wife, to whom I myself, would be dutiful and we would have, at least, 7 kids together. Well, that's how I imagined it.
The result? I just didn't have any life to speak of - right into my 30s. My life consisted of waiting, waiting and more waiting.
And, now, I look back and I ask myself, waiting for what? Nothing... I should enjoy my life. I should toss the cynicism aside and enjoy life and what it has to offer.
Another separate point. It seems to me that women who exhibit themselves in photos, in a sexy way, are actually very reluctant, in one-to-one conversations, to actually talk about their sex life. Is it because they are just doing it and have no time to talk about it? In my last blog post, I touched on this. I talked about the young women and how I mentioned the sexy site that her sexy photo she had sent me was linked to. She never replied. or, at any rate, not for the next 30 minutes, before I removed her from my contact list.
Women, sometimes, I do give up trying to under them.
Oh, another thing. What really annoyed me is that I put a lot of effort writing this sexually explicit posts. I got fired from a job for doing so in fact. And, yet, from time to time, I receive comments from smart asses who tell me to get a prostitute or ask me why do I get a prostitute and other deflating remarks of that nature.
It doesn't matter to me. It's like water off a ducks back. I will continue to post her undeterred. In fact, I always rise to opposition. I'm very stubborn that way. Perhaps, simultaneously, my worst and best quality.
But, I reckon when I contemplate sex, it makes me angry. It triggers anger in me.
[sighs]
It's as if by writing this blog (and I do, quite rightly, take this blog very seriously, I am confronting past demons and misconceptions and preconceptions and prejudices and other pain in the ass.
Which, of course, makes writing this blog all the more worthwhile. Even, if the number of visitors I get tend to be few and far between and, probably what few that do come here, are just downloading the sexy photos anyway.
Anyway, sex and duty do not mix. I was far too serious and sensitive...
[sighs]
But, I want to learn from my past mistakes.
Paul Carr
Hmm,another thing. THis women who didn't reply to me after I mentioned the sexy website. I shouldn't feel guilty about that. But, you know what?, I did!! Why!!. I've talked about this before. The nonsense that is called "male chivalry" reinforced by movies where men are portrayed in heroic modes.. This idea that a guy is above everything. Even sexual temptation. What nonsense!!!. I'm only human. I have feelings. I have urges. I am heterosexual. It's part of who I am. So, why should I be ashamed of liking a photo of a sexy woman. Why should I feel that I let her down?
I just felt I was being honest. And I felt, at the time, the best way to be honest with her, was to be honest with myself first. Why should I regard "courtship" as a trial and a test? It shouldn't be. I should go with the flow.
I saw this film the other day. A Japanese film the other day. About a geisha. called "The sea is watching". It's about a geisha. One day, a samurei, comes to her "brothel" seeking shelter. He was being chased because he had stabbed someone important. He pays the geisha extra. He wanted to disguise himself. The geisha takes off her clothes. And they lie together in bed, pretending to be lovers. The pursuers see them and they don't realize it is the samurei they were chasing.
The samurei thanks the geisha. And, he returns a few times. But, they don't have sex. Strange!! In fact, he just wants to "redeem" her. Take her away from her "immoral" lifestyle... She follows his bidding. But, then heartbreak. He tells her (he was young - only 20 or so) that he has been engaged to another noble woman. The geisha is upset and heart-broken. And tells him to get out.
What strikes me is this. He was a young man. 20 years old. His sex drive would have been at its peak and he was refusing to have sex with her. And after she had undressed for him and held him in her arms to her naked body, and, still, later, he refused to pop for her. What was wrong with this guy?
I think I know. He was overcome and overwhelmed by a sense of duty. He was afraid of his older generation. And, this was exactly the way I felt too. I'm afraid of people of my older generation. But, one thing I have learned to do now, since I started blogging last August, is that it is bad form to name names. But, I can tell you they are relatives and they are one or two generations older than me and I am afraid of them. I have this inordinate respect for the older generation. I should try to think for myself and enjoy myself and what's leave of my youth. (before I hit 40).
And, in that sense, it is right, for younger people to rebel against their parents, especially, if they are intruding on their lives. One needs one's independence..
This silly samurei thought he was doing the right thing. He thought he was doing his "duty" but in reality, he was causing heart-ache.
I've gotten very lazy and I haven't been updating my blogs recently as much as I have been usually.
I've decided to put down my German language books for the time being and study Chinese full-time instead. I'm planning to go to China next year for a holiday to start with. Maybe sooner. I keep delaying things for a ridiculous amount of time. But, I reckon it would be good if I had a rudimentary grasp of the Chinese language at least (for the sake of survival and so on) before I go over. I've got to put these things in perspective. I'm not seeking to be fluent in Chinese, just get enough to get by.
But, I must say learning Chinese is fun.. It's much more challenging than learning German which is similar to English in many way and, therefore, holds out the prospect of my learning it perfectly. It turns out that that is an unattainable chalice too. Anyhow, I will return to the German at a later stage.
Anyway, enough of the prosaic and back to the interesting stuff, namely sex.
I was chatting with this gorgeous young woman the other day on yahoo. I say she's gorgeous because she sent me a photo of herself in a flimsy night gown showing her voluptuous figure underneath and her full breasts barely concealed. I typed to her that she was sexy. The thing was, when I opened the e-mail which contained her photo she sent me, a webpage opened for a website called www.blackcuties.com .
I went there. It occurred to me that, maybe, there were more photos of her on this database but I couldn't find hers anywhere. I saw photos of plenty of other gorgeous women though which got my pulse racing...
Anyway, the next day, she contacted me again via yahoo messengerto say hello. ? ". She didn't reply...
I waited about 30 minutes for a reply but none came. So, I did what I nearly always do in this situation, I removed her from my contacts list and endeavoured to remove any other traces of her on my computer. Why? Because I didn't want to be tempted to write to her again and again because I was afraid that I would harass her. I don't want that. So, I take this desperate measure.
[sighs]
In hindsight, I feel pained about it. I liked her. I meant no offence. I thought that she was on the blackcuties database because there was a direct link to www.blackcuties.com from her sexy nightdress photo... But, she didn't reply. And, I was hurt...
Hmm, I guess sex is about respect. You see, the previous day, I had already told her that I thought she was gorgeous and sexy after I had seen her sexy photo. But, it seems now that after I had asked this question, (complete with smiley at end of it), she thinks I am a false person and only want to use her for sex or use her as a sex object. Not at all!! This is how it seems to me at any rate.
Is it wrong to just ask her a question about something that was on my mind. I didn't mention the link to blackcuties during the previous days conversation...
In hindsight, yeah, I could have disposed of myself better. For example, I could have said something like this instead:
"Oh, your photo had a link to the www.blackcuties.com website.. I went browsing there because I wanted to find more sexy photos of you but I couldn't find any. . I found plenty of other sexy ladies though. LOL."
I could have added:
"I mean this as a compliment"...
Instead, in reality, I wrote the underwhelming and, only to me "witty" question; "Do you have any more photos on the www.blackcuties.com website? ". What a fuck up!! J***s!! I'm shaking my head.
And, then 30 minutes later, hurt that she didn't reply, I removed all evidence of her from my computer. Actually, now, I am trying to find her name again but I can't find it anyway.. So, it looks like I can't get in touch with her again.
[sighs]
I'm wondering if she is thinking that I am a kind of prude who doesn't approve of women exhibiting themselves as semi-naked models. Nonsense!!! I approve!!.. Damn!!. [shakes head]..
I fucked up....
And, once again, I am hurt.
But, returning to what I said before; "sex is respect". If I had been honest with her, about what I had done, (visiting the www.blackcuties.com website) about my desires (looking for more photos of this gorgeous woman), about my disappointment (not finding any) and my consolation (finding other gorgeous semi-naked women there), then, maybe, just, maybe, she would have laughed it off and we would still be chatting.
Crumbs!!.
As I say, the reason I didn't, was because I had already told her the prevoius day that she was sexy (after she had sent on her delicious sexy photo to me)... I'm hurt. I'm pained right now.
And, no sex. None. Months are going by and no sex.. I'm I even trying? I don't think so... I haven't signed up even for www.blackcuties.com yet. I resolved to have sex 2 months ago and since then? Nothing!!!
I need to get off my backside.. Get some sex and get a job too.
You know, I was beginning to think today that I am rather like the put upon guy from "Chicken Run" called Mr Tweedy. He tries to look after the chicken on the farm but his wife is never ever happy, no matter what he tries. He's clearly lower down the peaking order.
Up to a few weeks ago, I had decided to use my msn spaces blog to write about myself in as earnest a manner as I possibly could. But, since I felt inhibited to talk about sex and sexuality, I was limited in what I wrote.
I found myself writing some poetry, for example. Usually about love and so on. Love, for me, being a euphemism for sex. I've had enough of this prevarication.
I'm going to speak frankly henceforth. And, if sex enters my mind, sex is what is going to go down on the paper.
Anyhow, about 2 months ago, I was visiting some blogs in the msn spaces blog universe, and I found a blog belonging to this beautiful young woman from China. A beauty!!. There were some sexy pics of her. For example, a picture of her naked in the Jacuzzi, with her back turned to the photo. Great!! Some pics of her at the gym. She was very hot. Though, she had shortish legs.
I wrote to her. She was having a problem with her msn space at the time with uploading pics and what not and offered to help. We chatted once on skype. And, then, things started to get distant between us. I didn't want to impose on her.
After initially helping me with the translation of a few Chinese words, in a later session, she refused to help me. I posted some messages to her blog, friendly messages. She deleted one of them. I don't know why.
Then, about a week later, she asked me to help her again with uploading pics to her msn spaces. I refused because I had explained it already to her two days previously. After an hour, she typed a tirade of abuse in my direction, saying that "You know why girls don't like you? Because you're a sick". She was Chinese and her typed English wasn't the best. In any case, I was shocked. And, I even let out a few tears that night. I thought about her. My heart was broken. What had I done to deserve being treated like this?
She liked dogs. And I thought to myself, I don't want to be treated like a dog.
You know, I don't want to be like Mr Tweedy. I don't want to be trampled upon. One of the things I learned when I started blogging last August (within a few weeks) is that I am a remarkably timid guy. Too too timid. I just let people walk all over me... I don't want this to continue. I'm going to, for example, get rid of my virginity with all haste now. I'm 32 now. I've no time to lose.
As I have already written, writing about sex, for me, is desperate, but also very liberating. Because great sex is to do with the imagination. And the imagination holds the key to happiness. I have a little pain in my ankle, my left ankle. I wonder how much is this pain real? I did great treatment for it but the damn pain comes back and back again.
It may well be the case that I am just a grumpy guy and there is no doubt that as a younger man I was an angry and grumpy guy at times, with an inordinate interest in politics at the expense of sex, for example.
Maybe, my pain in my ankle is just a discomfort.
I just need to live with it. Surely, this little discomfort, this little case, perhaps of one bone rubbing up against another bone in my ankle joint (where the cartilage is rubbed off both and is causing me discomfort) is not controlling my destiny.
Can my imagination save me? Or will I remain a slave to physical pain for the rest of my days? And, if I am suffering under physical pain, then, I bloody well ought to do something about it, shouldn't I. For a start, put some more anti-swelling cream on the joint. But I've done that already 4 weeks ago and the swelling has gone down a lot. So, the swelling doesn't appear to be the problem. Maybe, it's just that I am overweight. I need to lose a few stone. That's it, maybe.
I guess I am a completely disorganized person. Or, at any rate, I like to live in organized chaos at best. But, I guess this makes me ridiculously lazy sometimes.
Oh, I'm going to write a disclaimer on the side of this blog. It will read "This blog is IN NO WAY a celebration of my virginity. I want to lose it as soon as possible"
I'm absolutely desparate to lose my virginity, to shoot my load... I guess I will have to turn to Passion.com for assistance here. I've had enough.
Oh, and now I remember another thing I wanted to write about.
A few days ago, one night, at around 12 midnight, I was at home and I wanted to go out for a walk. I looked for a bum bag in which was contained my wallet. I always sling it around my waist everywhere I go. I couldn't find it. And I paniced. I think it was a panic attack. I think I was sweating for a few minutes. My heart was racing. I was searching desperately for the damn thing. I was cursing myself, cursing god, asking him, why was he doing this to me. For my mum, God is a guy. And, then, I found it. It was on the book shelf right beside my computer.
Afterwards, I thought to myself. Why the hell was I holding onto my viriginity.? What's the big deal about virginity anyway? There's no big deal.. I'm getting rid of the damn thing.
What else to say?
At least, I should tuck into a gorgeous woman before I depart this world.
Oh, another thing. I have noticed, particularly amongst my Chinese female friends, that whenever I meet a woman, who has a tendency to exhibit herself, for example, the Chinese female I chatted about. and another one comes to my mind, when it comes to talking about sex, they're actually quite conservative, it seems to me. It's like they just post sexy pictures of themselves to compensate for the fact that they are virgins?
The female sex. I guess I'm never going to crack that code.
oh, and that reminds me of another thing I wanted to chat about.
My virginity is, of course, accompanied by a love for titillation and to be teased. Since, I had made a conscious decision that I didn't want to go all the way, I stil liked to be aroused. So, I often like to approach, online, inaccessible women.
Okay, I admit. I'm only human and I make mistakes too. And, yes, I guess I do have a tendency to shoot my mouth off sometimes. I do have to tendency to name names and identify people. I'm sorry. I have done this in the past on these blogs and I shouldn't have done.
But, I am not going to punish myself over it. Life's too short. I intend to get up and dust myself down and get on with my life.
You see a picture of Ron Burgundy, played by American funny-man, Will Ferrell, in the film "Anchorman". You see a poster from that film. Very funny comedy. Ron Burgundy, well, he's like me in a way. Always, shooting his mouth off. Blabbing at inappropriate moments. In the film, Ron Burgundy boasts, for example, that he is sleeping with Veronica Corningstone, played by the gorgeous Christina Applegate. Veronica wasn't happy with Ron announcing this piece of news to the rest of the news crew at the top rated San Diego newsstation.
[sigh]
Okay, what else to chat about...
Hmm, what aboooooout sex?!!
Hmm.
Let me think.............
Hmm, yeah, I must acknowledge here and now I have had nightmares. Again, I will refrain from naming names (but I could). But, suffice it to say, there is an authoritarian figure in a nightmare I had recently (about 2 weeks ago - possibly my most recently nightmare) who, well, don't want me to have sex for pleasure, just for reproduction, if I'm that lucky. This authoritarian figure is a relative of mine but I won't identify any further than that.
I did have some erotic dreams recently. One, about a week ago, I dreamt of this sexy girl. You see, I was going to a website where there were webcams giving access to beautiful women. I could go to some of these. I mostly went to see the Asian women. I didn't even use my credit card for any private showing. They were sexy. One of them talked about what she would do in private, things like fisting, squirting and so on. Such marvels to behold. From such skilled and visionary ladies.
Anyways, I had the erotic dream a few days later. I just imagined I saw one of these sexy ladies (asian perhaps). And she wasn't even undressing. She was dressed sexily but she was moving sexily and in a sexy way, an erotic way, a slow and sensous way. And, well, I was half-asleep and I came hard in my pants.
Then, surprisingly, last night, I had another erotic dream. I can't remember everything now but in this dream I was being a little bit more assertive. And I was telling her to do things such as rub her crotch up against mine. Anyway, I can't remember any more of the details. But, again, I came hard in my pants. She complied with my wishes. Perhaps, she was a prostitute or a lover. I don't know. But she was happy to comply with my detailed instructions.
Anyway, that's that.
Now, what else to chat about?
Hmmm.
Any more private and dirty thoughts to share with you all? You know, the reason I keep these graphic and sexually explicit blogs (in my estimation) is because I do want to shake myself up. Personally, I am of the opinion that happiness comes from imagining you are happy. If you believe you are happy, then you will be happy. Otherwise, you won't. it's that simple. Hence, you can have rich people who are unhappy and poor people who are happy. Hence, my present destain for material wealth.
Of course, talking about one's private and deepest thoughts isn't easy and, probably, is an act of desperation. But, my goal is to free my mind. And, in any case, whatever others may say, great sex is a function of a great imagination.
). She was wearing tight jeans and feminine blouse. She had long legs and nice thin waste. I was walking behind her. Anyway, she reminded me of the Beijing Chinese woman. And I thought to myself, I can't possibly bar this Beijing Chinese woman. I can't possibly be that cruel!! Maybe, there's a chance she was msn messenger me in the future. Yeah, Yeah. But, I gave this Shenzhen Gorgeous Chinese babe a chance too after she had deleted my comments from her blog and, well, she was pretty cruel to me). I should have taken that as a signal to bar her.
. But, there's always time to make up, I hope.
They're visionaries. I would like to taste such happiness.
