Christmas party, almost......so close!
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Posted:Nov 22, 2014 11:51 am
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2014 12:41 am
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Below is an actual true account of what took place on a Friday night, I you not.
This was to be our first night 'out' at an TV event so we were so excited.
7pm. It started off ok.
A long hot soak in the bath with a brand new razor, such luxury.
Water so hot it stings and you glow after.
Super smooth pins, a luscious application of moisturiser and Julie was prepped for her makeover.
Sat in front of the dresser, surrounded by her now familiar items that were no longer strange to her.
Foundation. Eye liner. Blusher. Lipgloss. Mascara. Eye shadow. Lip liner. I'm sure there's so much more!
Well, off she started on her journey.
His/her beautiful assistant had the knowledge and skills to turn him into her.
It was all going so very, very well......but then......where is the eyelash glue?
Oh dear!
A quick google to find alternative adhesive.
Can we use nail glue? Nooooooo!!
Super glue. Absolutley not or we'd be at the A & E in the morning!
Flour and water, I don't think so.
I know, I know, PVA wood glue, there's some in the cupboard when you were making up our scrapbook.
So....tentatively we applied the PVA.
It needs a little more.........a little more, don't worry it dries clear.
It worked........phew!
Soon the transformation was complete, you look good Julie mwah xx
The pale pink lip gloss shone in the candle light from the tea lights on the dressing table.
A sexy pink basque was suitably fitted and along with the luxury of brand new pair of Charnos black stockings, which slid over her super slink pins like glass, she was feeling sexy.
The black skin tight mini dress with the lacy top and arms clung to her like a second skin.
Off the shoulder? Maybe later, to tease!
A doubled pearl necklace really was the only choice for this ensemble.
Along with swarovski pink swan drop earrings.
She was now very comfortable with her black patent thigh length boots with 4" heels.
Julie admired herself in the mirror.
Now. What hair should one wear to this party.
It has to be blond tonight.
But very long blond........and so it was.
Chanel no.5 completed the 'dress'.
Then the phone rang. It was the hospital, late I know but they are very dedicated and supportive at all hours.
They rang to discuss Julies beautiful assistants nipple reconstruction. Cancer surgery carried out early in the year just need some final work to complete the reconstruction and plastics had called to discuss the details.
If only you could have heard how this conversation ran. Bizarre and wonderful at the same time. Magic, just magic!
All is well though.
But due to the the 'eyelash incident' it was now 8.30 and we were running late.
The venue was 53 miles and 1 hour 20 drive away. Bugger!
Then the phone rang again.
Bugger!
It was an important phone call from a close friend and couldn't be hurried.
We were now very late and we were both tense and excited and already a bit frazzled.
Julie donned her black fur 3/4 length coat and off we went.
In the camper because we had permission to stay overnight in the venue car park.
With two dogs too.
It's pouring with rain and blowing a gale.
Julie had never driven in heels before, eek but all was well.
Half an our into the journey and Julies gorgeous assistant realises he doesn't have her glasses with her, it's ok with contacts for the evening but no good for the following day. She also makes mention of turning the heating off?!?
Did we? Did you? Did I? Turn it off before we left.
Bugger!!!!!!
So we turned around. Neither of us would have rested comfortably worrying about leaving the heater on.
By now Julie had a banging head, a real bouncer of a headache.
So at home we checked and sure enough, the heating was..............OFF!!!
But we couldn't find the glasses.
Shall we give up and call it a night? We discuss......
Of course not, even if we're only there for an hour it would be fun.
So off we set.......again.
This time on the motorway, quicker we hope and hope no congestion.
We listen to the sat nav lady, chatting away like she's our best friend.
All seems well.
Take next junction off M25 she says.
So we do as we're told.
Mmmmm? this doesn't seem right?
Why are we heading south now and not north?
Still, we trust the sat nav lady.
We feel like we're drivng round in circles.
Julie is feeling even more tense as she now doesn't know where exactly on this planet she is.
It's very dark, it's still pouring with rain and blowing a gale, there's no street lights and then......bing......the fuel light comes on.
Bugger!!
It's now 11.15pm on a Friday night and everywhere is shut.
Bugger!!
Julies has a head pounding a like a steam hammer and just wants to cry but can't because she'll ruin her mascara.
It can't be much further..........so on we drive........another 9 miles or so.
The fuel gauge is in the red now and we still haven't arrived.
Bugger!!
Sat nav lady says turn right and you have reached your destination.
Hoooray!!
But.........I don't think so.
There's a big sign on the huge iron gates that says, 'PARTY FULL'. WHAT!!!!
Now Julie really wanted to cry, it's now 11.45pm and the gates are closed.........
Bugger!!
We turn around in a tight narrow lane and begin our way back past the 'Party full' sign.
And then notice another set of gates 50 yards further along.
Hoooray!! the 'party full' wasn't our venue.
Hoooray!!
But by now we are so tired, we are both so hungry, we both have banging heads and we're nigh on out of fuel.
We waited in the lane to think for a moment whether we should go in but already people were leaving. We're too late.
Julie, dressed in black patent thigh length boots and stockings and lacy back dress, with a banging migraine, was not going to any party tonight.
We bid our farewell and sadly and very reluctantly decided to go home.
But.......
We needed fuel badly now.
Checking the kindly sat nav lady she directed us to the nearest station, only .8 of a mile away.
It was shut....
Checked again.....
Another 1.3 miles away.
It was shut....
Big time bugger.
Picture this.
It's now 12.30 am on a Saturday morning and we're lost somewhere in Essex and out of fuel.
We could ring the RAC to come and help but how would he feel meeting Julie?
Mmmmm? What to do.
Oh and I almost forgot, we haven't eaten since lunch thinking we'd eat at the venue so now we're starving hungry too.
We check sat nav lady again.
She sends us, left, then left, then left again down what must be unclassified roads, more mud and low overhanging trees, then left again and guess what.......we end up at the same garage we first went to that was shut.
Big time bugger bugger!!!
We have to head south towards the A12, there must be a garage there somewhere.
But..........
Julies glamorous assistant has never filled the camper van before and the filler cap which uses the ignition key is a real bugger to use.
Which means when ever (if) we do find a garage, Julie is going to have to get out, fill the camper and go and pay!!!!
So.........
By now Julie is past caring, she wants a drink, yes alcohol please, she's tired, disappointed, hungry and not a little bit worried she's gonna be sleeping at the roadside in lord knows where on this planet till the morning before any garage opens.
So........
We agree, reluctantly, it's best Julie changes out of her party frock and reverts back to himself.
We're now on a main road, full of streets lights, not much traffic although there is some and we're in a bus stop layby, again, fully lit.
And it's still pouring with rain and blowing a gale.
We wait for any passing traffic to disappear.
Julie exits the vehicle, remember exactly how she's dressed???
She closes the door and at that precise moment chooses to drop her glasses into the middle of the road.
Bugger!!!
So there's Julie, in her black patent thigh length boots, in her black lacy mini dress, bent over in the middle of a main road road looking for her glasses.
At which point the wind catches what little there is of the dress to reveal to all her pink suspenders.
Julies glamorous assistant is in tears.
Julie recovers her composure (yeah right) and proceeds to the back of the camper.
Jeez, whatever next?
She de frocks and dons jean and a pink shirt with pink and silver scarf, yes yes she's always there really!
So, back to sat nav lady, who assures us there's a fuel station just a half mile further on. Oh pleeeeease!!
And there it was, like a modern day oasis a brightly lit BP garage from heaven.
But......
As she pulls in, she's kind of forgotten she still has a her swarovski earrings in, eye shadow, false eyelashes and ALL her other make up on.
Hell, really....she IS past caring.
She's now getting looks from a guy in the car next to us. Intense looks.
Julie fills her tank, (ooooooh vicar!!)
The guy next to us has already gone to pay for his fill. (more innuendo!)
I go to pay for ours and also hopefully to pick up a bottle of wine, unfortunately for which I was not able to do so as it was now 12.45am on a Saturday morning.
Bugger!!
I stand at the counter.
The cashier, it then appears, likes Julie and begins to chat her up.
'I like your make up' he says, 'where are you going?' he asks. 'A party' I reply.
He mentions something about have I been on TV (TV, if only he knew eh?) or something, I smile and pay and just wanna get out.
As Julie walks back to the car, the guy who was filling up just before us is waiting and takes a picture of me on his phone!?!?!
Why?? We'll never know.
So it's then off to a 24 hour Mcdonalds and then bed.
What the hell was all that about??
I promise you all, the above is all TRUE!!!
Julie. mwah xxxxxxxxxxxx
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