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| Blogs > PurplePeach72 > No Ordinary Girl! |
Blessed
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Blessed Hello Sweet Pervy Friends, I’ve missed you. Yes, even you great readers who think I’m stupid but keep coming back to read the stupidity. So who is stupid? No matter why you read I’m happy you do. Keep in mind as you read here that the things that compel me to write are most often of the extreme so by its very nature my life to you seems like a contrast in extremes with more sorrow and woe than joy. The reality is that the joy and wonder of living in Italy and traveling as I do far outweigh the woe and worries I am facing. I count myself among the worlds most blessed on a daily basis. Lots of deep questions burrowing in my brain of late. How can I feel like these are the best days of my life at the same time that I think my marriage maybe over? Why do I stay? Who wouldn’t? At what point should I go? Does he even understand? Does any of it matter? What is his capacity for love? Can anyone really change? Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up. I thought I had some fail safes in the process of being built. A legally binding agreement between the Viking and I that would have given me some peace of mind to make another last leap of faith with him. Then the lawyer called and said that she can’t draft it for me. It is so difficult to enforce from state to state that the organization’s legal office will not allow their team of lawyers to write such agreements. I would have to pay a lawyer in the state we intend to reside in when the agreement is enforced. It wasn’t much or asking for anything above what I have now but it was an assurance, a concession and a way to show some movement towards reconciliation. Now I don’t even have a legal document to fall back on if he goes Beserker. My illusions of safety are no better than his illusions of privacy, the truth will out in the end. I’m guessing this is the Universe’s way of telling me to stop looking for guarantees because there are none! I’m wrestling not to snoop because if I had snooped more 2 years ago I wouldn’t have been caught blindsided and yet in the end what would it have changed? What I am really wrestling with is how I can stay in a relationship with someone who lies to me about something as fundamental to a relationship as sex, never mind the emotional betrayals. The hard truth is that there is no way for me to know if he’ll change and even if he does if I don’t believe it then it will all fall apart. I have to find my bottom line and once it is crossed cut him out in every way possible. Right now I’m still caught in that space or too good to leave, too bad to stay except there no reason for me to leave anywhere. But let’s be real here, I’m not suffering in anyway other than mentally and emotionally. I’m certainly not being abused. For those of you out there saying that psychological and verbal abuse is just as bad as physical or sexual abuse, I would say to you that you haven’t experienced them all, because there most certainly is a difference. Regardless of your opinion on the matter I’ve lived through all the types multiple times at the hands of people who were supposed to protect me. Having a bit of a rough spot in my marriage doesn’t mean I’m repeating a pattern of abuse in my life. We’re already separated and have been almost a year. Really how bad can it be when I don’t have to live with him, he has little to no way of calling me and limited internet connection depending on where his work has him. As he so often says, I’m living the Rock Star lifestyle why should I fuck it up? Why, because he can’t be trusted about where he puts his dick or his heart? Well sounds to me like I need to tell him to wear a condom and cut him out of my heart so I can live happily ever after. That may well be where this chapter ends up but there is a lot left between now and then. Back to square one we go. I suppose in reality we never moved away from it. It has always been his way or the highway. Sooner than later the mud gets deep enough and putrid enough that the highway looks damned good. My 4x4 has exceeded its hubs and the highway doesn’t seem nearly as unappealing as it did before. I’m working every day until early June other than a long weekend or two. I’m glad I took the job when they offered it because it keeps my mind off this shit. I have to stay focused on the day to day things that have to get done. There just isn’t time to worry and ruminate. I’ve got a TO DO List a half mile long for the move already never mind the trips in between. In short, I’m ok. I’ve kind of shut down for the moment. Better to see the way forward with logic and detachment than trying to deal with overwhelming emotions and grasping for answers that only the passage of time will give. One foot in front of the other watching the days and miles flow beneath my wheels. Happiness is a choice. Change is inevitable. Growth is optional. Love on.  Kisses, LA    |
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No matter what happens you will be wiser for it. Wisdom often comes with a toll of sorrow. Thoughts from the Garden...
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Hugs and love and then more hugs and more love. You know I'm sending you all the good juju and best thoughts. xoxo Always tell the truth Use kind words Keep your promises Giggle and laugh Be positive Love one another Always be grateful Forgiveness is mandatory Try new things Say please and thank you Say your prayers Smile ~Author unknown
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Oh, my dear Purp! You will get nothing but support from your readers. We love you and want you to be happy. The fundamental lie of sex. Oh my screaming God that's a painful burn upon the heart. But remember that the universe is full of amazing people (like professors!) and your worth is not limited by anyone but yourself. The universe longs to love you, if only you will love yourself.  My featured post this week: Pulling Fantasy Sex Out of My Ass.
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Wish you the best that stay right side up Peach 
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Living in the moment is a very effective way to let time deal with the past
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Move on my sexy one!!!! Be well!!
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So sorry to hear, but life goes on. Just think of your next step forward, things can only get better.
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